I have guilt

I have boatloads of guilt. I'm not kidding. Here it is 4:10am and I am up thinking about my mom. Bring on the guilt. I couldn't sleep because of whatever reason and after being here for an hour it has come back to my mom. Here's the brief history of my Mom. She was/is a great mom. She is Mormon and she was absolutely the strongest, kindest, most considerate, loving person I have ever met. Any of you watch Big Love? She's kind of a nice mix of Margene and Barb. Well around '94 or so she kind of started going off the deep end. I'm talking bipolar/manic depression deep end. Of course, at the time I was only about 18 yrs old and honestly was oblivious to anyone and anything that wasn't about me. Terrible huh? Well long story short, I treated my Mom like shit. I didn't understand that she needed help or that she was even sick in any way. I was this stupid, self absorbed teenager that just wanted to party and be with my boyfriend, etc. I had given up the Mormon way of life a couple yrs prior to this. Just lost my faith I guess. Anyway, she continually got worse. To the point where we lost our house, moved from apt to apt depending on what crazy thing she did to get us kicked out or what terrible thing my younger brothers did to get us kicked out (think killing the building owner's cat kind of stuff). We were on food stamps, medicaid, welfare, the whole nine. I just was so embarrassed and mad that she couldn't get it together. So I left. Left her and my sis and my brothers to try and figure this out on their own. My sis ended up moving out too so she could try and finish high school and get herself into college. It was probably the best choice she ever made. That left my Mom with 2 boys that desperately needed a father (my dad is a whole other story). By this point my brothers had started smoking weed, drinking and what not and they were completely uncontrollable. They were probably around ages 15 and 13. One day I get a call that Mom is in the hospital. She was admitted to the psych ward of our local hospital. So here I am trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. So I leave again. My poor brothers were left with my part time father to try and make ends meet. See where the guilt comes from. I never stood up and took responsibility for family. Now 13 yrs later, my Mom is living in a group home, she has dementia (which I just found out), she has no money, the people that take care of her do just the minimum that they have to do by law, she can't talk, she barely can walk, she's had about 5 strokes and will never be the Mom I knew and loved. She is a shell. Her eyes have no light in them anymore. I haven't seen my Mom since Christmas. Why? Because it kills me to look at her once beautiful face and see nothing. She's just a blank stare most of the time. Sometimes she's there and smiles and laughs like she used to. I think that's even worse. I am a terrible daughter. I feel like I totally let her down when she really needed me. And now there is no way I can ever make it up to her. She will pass away some day and I will be relieved that she doesn't have to live this way anymore and that maybe my guilt will go with her passing.....