Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Wants and Needs

My mother taught me at a very young age to learn to the difference between wants and needs. The other day we had a little extra cash and I decided to buy myself some bras, socks, underwear and workout clothes. I spent around $80. Woohoo. Exciting, I know. I felt guilty for spending that much money on myself. I know it's not a lot of money by any means, but that's just how my brain works. My bitter little man has never really learned the difference between wants and needs. Bitterman decided months ago that he "needed" another gun. He bought a gun when he got this police job and now because all the other cops are carrying an "off duty weapon" he feels he just has to carry one too! So now we will have 2 guns in the house, which I'm not to keen on. I'm also not to keen on the fact that the gun he is getting is over $600! I'm mad because 1. its a lot of money when we don't have a lot of money (we just spent almost $400 on his car so it would pass inspection). 2. he doesn't need it, we don't live in the city where the other guys live (the likelihood that we'll ever see someone he arrests is slim to none). 3. it's not like he'll EVER be able to shoot both at once if he was attacked or whatever. So I am mad. I am mad and I want him to realize he doesn't NEED the damn gun!!!! What the hell?????

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dear Dad

As a part of my ongoing quest to be the best person I can be, I have been prompted by my therapist to write a letter to my father. I will never give this letter to him, but hopefully it will help me get passed a lot of the issues I have with him. So here's what's been weighing on my heart.

Dear Dad,

I am so angry with you. I am hurt. I am completely befuddled by your actions or should I say lack of actions over the past 10-15 yrs. Remember when I was little and you came to every softball game? Remember practicing with me every single day after work? Remember asking about my day and school and MY life??? Remember promising to always love me and be there for me? Do YOU??? Because I think somewhere along the way you have forgotten what it means to be a father. Just because your children grow doesn't mean that they don't need you anymore. A child ALWAYS needs their parent. As a father you were supposed to be my guide through life, my shoulder to cry on, my rock. You were supposed to step up when your children needed help and offer advice.
When Mom started losing her grip on reality and bi-polar set in, you should have protected us. When she was hospitalized for 90 days did you actually think it was OK for a 15yr old and 13 yr old boy to stay in an apartment by themselves? Yes you stopped in and made sure they had food, but did you hug them and reassure them you would help them get thru this? Did you move in to make sure they were going to school? NO. Your sons will never forgive you for bailing on them. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you. When they needed you the most in their life you moved South.
I also needed you many, many times over the years. All I ever wanted was for you to realize that you disappointed us and just apologize. Then maybe we could move on become the close family we once were. I mourn the loss of our closeness. You not making it to my wedding renewal ceremony was the final straw. It broke my heart. Do you know that? My heart is so empty without a parent to rely on. Mom was always there, I know. But I can't call her now and tell her about my bad day or call for advice about my cranky 5 yr old or even just talk to her and tell her how much I love her. I have constantly hoped that you would fill that hole. But you never did. You can't even talk on the phone with me for more than 10 minutes. I've tried to explain how this makes me feel and you change the subject and hang up. You are so selfish. You act like you love us, but you only love yourself. You wonder why your sons don't call you? You wonder why your other daughter doesn't call you? Your lucky that I still care enough to keep in touch with you. The sad thing is that you don't even realize how lucky you are to have kids like us. We have struggled watching our mother turn into a shell of herself, we have supported ourselves from very young ages, we have all turned into decent adults that somehow still find joy in our lives. We have learned to rely on each other.
You know what though? I still love you. I just don't know why.

Love Always,

Your First Born

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Super Blah

I have been having a super blah day. I woke up and went to the gym before class. Which is a good thing. I've been very unmotivated for the last 2 weeks. But it was rushed and then I get to class and it is super boring. Then I had a bunch of boring running around to do today. So yeah....just super blah. Top that all off with an online test for my microbiology class which I totally bombed. All I want to do is eat a bag of chips with a pint of ice cream. Luckily I don't have either in my arsenal. My BFF is crazy. My hubby just doesn't understand and my my 5yr old is jumping all over my last nerve.....ok I will end my rant now. Thanks for listening. Well reading.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Stolen from She's a Rebel...

here's a link to a beautiful video for ya to watch. check it out! i'm not really cool enough to know how to actually post the video here...i know, i suck.