Sidetracked...

So I've been kinda obsessed lately with Facebook. At first I thought it was kind of weird, but now that I have been playing around with it for like a week or so, it's really pretty cool. You can upload a shitload of pics super fast and it doesn't matter what size they are, I've found a bunch of old girlfriends from HS, plus it lets you put concerts up that you want to go to and you can see people that are going and chat with them about the groups/shows. It's really a neat little thing. That's what's been keeping me busy lately. Even my Myspace has been neglected. Oh the HORROR!!!! So to my two readers out there, I'm sorry for neglecting my blogging duties. I will try to get back on track... LOL!!!

The Fair

Why is it when a small town has a fair or festival of some kind, every crazy, white trash, creepy person tends to come out of the woodwork? I mean really... We live in a small, country town. For the most part the people here are nice, hardworking, easy going folks. Most of them you wouldn't mind having a beer with or what not. But every year our County Fair comes and turns our little town into this bustling hive of white trash people. I was forced to take my daughter to said fair because we basically drive by it on the way out of town. She saw the ferris wheel and that was it. So we took her yesterday and I can't even tell you the amount of tattoos and mullets we saw in the 2 hrs we were there. I mean not to stereotype someone, but all of these people looked like felons or child molesters. And all the people that worked the rides were Mexican! Now I don't really have anything against Mexicans. But I can remember going to this same fair when I was a kid and everything was run by kids looking for a fun summer job or local people selling their crafts or food or whatever. Maybe it just seemed that way because I was a kid. But anyway, not one person running the rides could speak a full sentence in English. It was kind of frustrating. It just made me realize how much things have changed. The Girl was curious, excited, elated, and completely thrilled by the whole thing. Her eyes were just about popping out of her head trying to get it all in. So I guess the trip wasn't a waste of time, just a disappointment for us adults. The Girl even got to go to the 4-H tent and pet a cow and hold a goat. This was very big for her. I think we will be getting a goat if she has her way. Just kidding. I will not have a goat. A farmer I do not want to be. Besides the Mexicans, the overpriced rides, the lack of decent food, the scary locals, it wasn't a bad afternoon to be had, but next year maybe we'll go camping instead.

Ancient History

Recently I have been reading one of my friend's blogs thru myspace. She is an old friend that I used to hang with in like middle school. She was/is such a cool chick. Basically, for I guess therapeutic reasons, she has started recounting a terrible event in her life. At first I was kind of shocked and wondered why she would want to put such a terrible experience out there so publicly. But after reading her many blogs about it I find it not only helps her, but it helps others who may have been in the same situation. I am one of those people. Over 10 yrs ago I was raped. Just writing that makes me feel like it's not really real, that I sound like a drama queen or something. But it is true. I've never really told anyone about it. I have a very close friend that went to the hospital with me and my husband knows and that's about it. I think at the time it happened I clammed up. My brothers had heard about it and they thought I was slut. They thought it was my fault. I didn't ever tell my parents. I just tried to forget about it. The worst part of all of it was that the guy I was dating at the time was one of the rapers. It was him and 3 of his friends. My guy had taken me to a huge family and friend pigroast. There was drinking and drugs. I was drinking and I did get high. There were probably about 75-100 people at this shindig. As the night wore on I told my guy that I was going to bed. Everyone was camping outside and there were tents everywhere, not to mention the owners house. I have no idea what time it was, but suddenly my guy comes in and he is completely wasted. Stumbling, slurring speech, completely, well, shitfaced. Next thing I know his 3 friends come in and one's holding my hands, one's got his hand over my mouth, and the other 2 start doing whatever they want to my body. I just cried and cried. I couldn't move, I felt sick, I was praying that it would be sunrise soon. It seemed like an eternity that these guys were in the tent. To this day I don't understand how noone heard anything. I mean even though my mouth was covered I was definitely sobbing and I know the guys were talking and laughing and whatnot. I just didn't get it. Sunrise finally came and as soon as it did I told my guy that I wanted to get home. He drove me home and I immediately went to the hospital with my friend. They did the whole rape kit procedure on me, how degrading and embarrassing. I don't know why I was embarrassed. There was an officer that wanted to take a police report. I didn't give one. I was so scared by these guys that did this to me. I felt like if I pressed charges against them they would hurt me or my family. They all lived within 3-5 miles of my house. They knew my brothers and partied with them. I was worried that my mom would find out and think less of me. Of course, at that time my mom had kind of checked out mentally anyway. I didn't tell my dad. I told my husband, who at that time was just one of my best friends. I can't really explain how I felt. Horrified, sad, used, pathetic, broken... My guy that I was dating came over a couple days later. Can you believe the nerve? He sat in his car in my driveway and I went out. He tells me how sorry he is for what happened and that he didn't mean for it to happen. I remember asking him why he didn't stop them. Why he even let them in? If he and I were a "thing" why would he share me like that? He gave me some lame excuse about being drunk. Then he says "I hope your not going to press charges because that would be really bad". He then threatened my family and me if I did. He and his friends managed to tell all of the people, well party friends, that I was a slut and that I do trains or whatever. This is how my brothers found out and hence why they thought I was a slut. My reputation was ruined, I felt completely abandoned and alone, and my own brothers thought I was a slut that did this willingly. Eventually, I moved away and lived on my own. I have never seen those guys since. I've heard that one is in jail for sexual conduct with a child, one moved to Connecticut, and the other 2 I have no clue about. My one regret is that I was so scared by them that I didn't press charges. Maybe they all would have been in jail if I had.

just an update

So my Bitter Little Man has tried to get back to work. This really worries me. Ya know when you break your leg or arm or something it usually takes 4-6 wks to heal, maybe even 8 wks, but my husband fractures his back and thinks in 3 almost 4 wks he's ready to go. He worked one day last week and came home early because his back hurt. I told him not to try and rush healing just because he's worried about pleasing his dad or because he's worried about our money situation. The money part is the part I worry about and so far we haven't lost our house or anything. As far as his dad goes, I just don't know why he doesn't tell his dad that his back hurts and it's hard for him to bend still and that he just needs a little more time. Men.... I'm sure he's bored out of his mind being home all this time. I know he wants to get his strength back as quickly as possible. He wants to be ready if the U.S. Marshals call him. I just feel like he's doing more harm than good. But I'm not his Mom so I kind of try to keep my mouth shut.

In other news, I actually got out this weekend with my girlfriends. Thank GOD! It's been nearly a month since seeing them and being able to vent and whatnot. We had a great time and ended up at this quiet little bar just chatting. I truly wouldn't know what to do without my friends. Because of my lack of a real family unit, they ARE my family, my sisters. I confide more in them than my husband or my real life sis. This night out was just the break I needed from the Girl and my Bitter Man. I was a little tired the next day but completely refreshed and ready to be a good wife and mom again. I don't really understand women that are stay at home moms and don't really get out or connect with other women. I just don't know how they do it! I would be out of my mind! I know a SAHM that literally stays home with her 4 children and home schools them and goes to church on Sunday and that's about it. The thought just makes me want to scream.

I have resolved to try harder with my Mom. I'm going to try and get her every other weekend for lunch with us or a trip to the park or something. I have had such a hard time dealing with her being ill/handicapped. It's been many years and I just can't seem to accept it. I still believe that it's possible for her to get better, even though I know she can't. So these remaining years of her life I am going to try. Try to be the daughter I should have been 15 yrs ago. I don't want her to not know her granddaughter or to forget my husband, I want to make her happy and try and bring some light into her life again. So I will begin this coming weekend by getting her and bringing her to my house. I will make her a nice lunch and just let her hang out and watch The Girl and cuddle my kitties (she LOVES animals). Hopefully this will make both of us feel a little bit better.

Cats

Ok so I got these 2 adorable little kittens back in June thinking it would be great for my daughter to have animals around her. I kind of thought that maybe they would entertain her and she would learn to be gentle and loving and learn some responsibility by helping to feed them and give them water. To date we have had no such luck. The only thing we have is 2 cats that terrorize each other and us at all hours of the night. The Girl, of course, loves them dearly and thinks that they are just the coolest thing ever. But she has no desire to help with them or even be nice to them for that matter. She basically chases them around the house and pulls their tails and smooshes their faces into the floor. Let me note that in a former life I was totally a cat lady. Yes, I said it, a cat lady. I loved them and had probably like 13 of them. But now, I just can't stand them! I mean they drive me nuts. Bitterman desperately is waiting for me to give the word to get rid of them. But wouldn't that make me the worst Mom in the world to get rid of them when we really just got them? Maybe we need a nice dog or maybe a fish instead....

just a quick note..

Just wanted to put it out there that I love the Harry Potter movies. I know, I'm 31, what the hell do I see in them. Well I haven't read the books, I just like movies. They're kinda like Star Wars is to my husband. They just are very entertaining. Or maybe it's that I have the mind of a kid. We recently saw the latest one and I just couldn't believe how into I was (not to mention the rest of the theatre). Does this make me a complete freak of some kind?? Hmmmmm

On other not so interesting news, I went to this totally swanky wedding this weekend up in Saratoga Springs. For those of you that don't know, there is crazy money out there. Between the racetracks and SPAC it's all kind of classy, cultural, yet college town and comfortable. It was a really great weekend, but I kind of had a hard time trying to be classy. I wanted to just party it up and be my regular ole country girl self. My in-laws would have LOVED that! I think my husbands side of the family is the most uptight, straight edge, conservative bunch of people I've ever met. The only ones I can get along with are his lesbian cousin and her girlfriend. They are the coolest people. I did meet some of his cousins, mom's side of the family and they were pretty laid back, but still not really the partiers I wanted and needed this weekend. It's not very often at all I get out without my Girl tagging along, much less with my husband.

When we got back from this little getaway, I came home to find a brown lunch bag on my front step. This happens pretty frequently, I have crazy aunts that just leave me little things that they think will mean something to me. Usually it's dollar store crap that breaks the minute I try to actually use it. But this time it actually was something good. My cousins out in Colorado are totally into Mormonism and doing geneology on the family. They video, tape, record just about everything and have looked up the family back to the early 1600s. Anywho, they sent all of the cousins a video they took back in 1990 of my Grandpa's 81st b-day. This video was taken at my house. The home I grew up in and base all my happiest times as a child on. I couldn't help but watch this dvd right away. The beginning it's just my grandpa and whatnot, then it turns into my whole family saying hi to the camera and it pans around my house and then outside at my front yard and our driveway. I saw my life in a totally different way then I saw it back then and it brought me to tears. I just sobbed as I looked at it and realized how really utterly poor we were. I saw all the broken windows, the warped and peeling doors, the old siding on the house that was cracked, the clothesline that had all of our tattered clothes on it. I just couldn't believe that I didn't know it back then how bad off we were. This was just before my mom lost our house and about 3 yrs before she lost her mind. It made me so sad to see her in the video. She just looked , well I can't even really explain it. My husband was great, he just let me watch and cry and then he says "you were happy right?" and the truth is I was unbelievably happy back then. We didn't "have" much, but the love I felt back then was more than anything I could have ever gotten anywhere else.

I have guilt

I have boatloads of guilt. I'm not kidding. Here it is 4:10am and I am up thinking about my mom. Bring on the guilt. I couldn't sleep because of whatever reason and after being here for an hour it has come back to my mom. Here's the brief history of my Mom. She was/is a great mom. She is Mormon and she was absolutely the strongest, kindest, most considerate, loving person I have ever met. Any of you watch Big Love? She's kind of a nice mix of Margene and Barb. Well around '94 or so she kind of started going off the deep end. I'm talking bipolar/manic depression deep end. Of course, at the time I was only about 18 yrs old and honestly was oblivious to anyone and anything that wasn't about me. Terrible huh? Well long story short, I treated my Mom like shit. I didn't understand that she needed help or that she was even sick in any way. I was this stupid, self absorbed teenager that just wanted to party and be with my boyfriend, etc. I had given up the Mormon way of life a couple yrs prior to this. Just lost my faith I guess. Anyway, she continually got worse. To the point where we lost our house, moved from apt to apt depending on what crazy thing she did to get us kicked out or what terrible thing my younger brothers did to get us kicked out (think killing the building owner's cat kind of stuff). We were on food stamps, medicaid, welfare, the whole nine. I just was so embarrassed and mad that she couldn't get it together. So I left. Left her and my sis and my brothers to try and figure this out on their own. My sis ended up moving out too so she could try and finish high school and get herself into college. It was probably the best choice she ever made. That left my Mom with 2 boys that desperately needed a father (my dad is a whole other story). By this point my brothers had started smoking weed, drinking and what not and they were completely uncontrollable. They were probably around ages 15 and 13. One day I get a call that Mom is in the hospital. She was admitted to the psych ward of our local hospital. So here I am trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. So I leave again. My poor brothers were left with my part time father to try and make ends meet. See where the guilt comes from. I never stood up and took responsibility for family. Now 13 yrs later, my Mom is living in a group home, she has dementia (which I just found out), she has no money, the people that take care of her do just the minimum that they have to do by law, she can't talk, she barely can walk, she's had about 5 strokes and will never be the Mom I knew and loved. She is a shell. Her eyes have no light in them anymore. I haven't seen my Mom since Christmas. Why? Because it kills me to look at her once beautiful face and see nothing. She's just a blank stare most of the time. Sometimes she's there and smiles and laughs like she used to. I think that's even worse. I am a terrible daughter. I feel like I totally let her down when she really needed me. And now there is no way I can ever make it up to her. She will pass away some day and I will be relieved that she doesn't have to live this way anymore and that maybe my guilt will go with her passing.....

just blah

Ok so things are better here on the home front. Bitterman and I are back to normal and he has gotten over his little temper tantrum from the other day. Today we went to car show with his parents. Sometimes I think my Mom in law is completely oblivious to just about everything in the world. Like it's been 2 weeks since the accident and she asks him if he is ready to go back to work. Ummmm, he still can barely bend over to tie his shoes, I don't think he's going to be doing steel construction any time soon. Then she starts talking about little trips we could take to waste some time. Like driving 3 hrs to Nana's house so we can swim in her heated pool. Again, I don't think sitting in a car for 3 hrs would be a fun time for Bitterman. Not to mention we haven't had a paycheck in 2 weeks and the amount that unemployment gives is about half of what he usually brings home in a week, and we have a wedding to go next weekend that is 3 hrs away and the tux and the hotel room are almost $500 and we still haven't got a gift yet. I mean does she not GET this???? It just floors me. She also asked him when he thought he would get back on the 4 wheeler??!!! I think if she had actually seen the accident like I did, she would have a whole different outlook. Like I really would be ok never getting on one again now that I've seen first hand how dangerous and scary they can be, but I know inevitably I will get on one again. She just drives me bananas lately. But I love her and she is a good Mom. Just a little off....

Arghhhh!!!!

What the hell is wrong with men? Can anyone out there answer that? After 10 yrs of dating/marriage my usually wonderful husband decided that it was OK to put his finger in my face and tell me that he's sick of my fucking mouth. EXCUSE ME!!!!??? Ladies, I just about lost my shit. I don't know what in the world made him think that was an OK move to make! So, of course, I flipped and thought to myself, he hadn't heard anything from my mouth yet. I yelled at him a little bit and then shut up. I didn't talk to him all night. I didn't talk to him this morning. He finally apologized just now for being "mean" as he sees it. I said to him that no matter whether I was yelling at him or not ( which I wasn't to begin with, I was yelling at our daughter who was being very naughty) that I did not deserve to be treated that way. I also told him that if it ever happens again I am walking out with the Girl and he won't know where the hell I went or for how long. I mean when your in a relationship you just don't do that. Now I know he's been cooped up in the house for the last 2 weeks with me and The Girl because of the accident, I know he's bummed about not being able to work, I know that just sitting around drives him crazy, but I have tried very hard for the last 2 weeks to make him comfortable, get him out of the house, keep the Girl happy so she didn't cry or get upset to grate on his nerves, on top of doing all the laundry, mowing the lawn, doing all the dishes, making dinner, doing all the shopping, getting the Girl up and ready and putting her to bed at night. All without his help. Honestly, I am glad to do these things because I know he's in pain, but come on! Usually he is very helpful around the house and cooks dinner and does dishes. Maybe he's just mad because he can't help me? Ha! Well anywho, all I know is that this better not ever happen again or I will be forced to bring out the Bitch in me!

WTF???

Can I just ask what the hell is the big deal about Rosie's kid??? Yeah I saw the pics and the video and whatever. I just don't get why it is such a big deal. Has no parent out there ever let their child play dress up??? My daughter changes her "outfits" and costumes more times in a day than I can count. Was it staged? Has that been proven yet? I really want to know. I mean if it was staged by Rosie to make some sort of statement, then that does put a different spin on things, but if it really was just innocent dressing up, WTF? Ya know my husband was/is Marine. I am so proud of him for serving our country. There are so many men and women home and overseas that are laying down their lives, it just seems like that should be more important. Maybe I am way off base here. I don't know. I just get so SICK of celebrities making headlines over stupid shit! I love the famous and beautiful people out there that DO great things with their money and power as it be. Like Angelina, Sandra Bullock, Rosie, Julia Roberts, and numerous others that do it without ever taking credit. All the stupid crotch slips, nipple slips, drunk night outs, and whatever else is just crap. I know it's a business, but come on.... Oh shit, well I guess I kinda got on a soapbox there for a moment. Sorry about that. I don't know why that wild hare just ran up my butt, but I think it's gone now.

It's official

It's official I have one whole person that read my blog! It happens to be Greentshirt. Just love her! So I guess now that she's checking in on me I better start trying to make this kind of interesting. I could wow ya'll out there with the super duper story of my 3 yr old puking all night last night. Well maybe that's not a good way to start. I guess I'll start by officially giving a little history of myself.

I'm 31 yrs old (big gulp). I know that's not old but God it sure feels like it these last couple of days. I am a wife and mother. My husband is affectionately known as Bitter Little Man and my daughter is simply The Girl. They both keep me running and sometimes cursing and sometimes crying. I guess that's normal. I am a full time college student. This is my second or third attempt at getting a real education. I think I have finally found my niche though. I have started taking nursing classes at the community college here in town and so far I really like it. And considering that I am constantly nursing The Girl and Bitterman I should be an old pro. My husband is the most accident prone individual on the planet. No joke! I can't tell you the amount of times he's come home from work (he does steel construction) and half a pant leg is gone from his jeans because he caught himself on fire while welding or something. Or the amount of times he's come home and said "Hon, can you rinse my eyes out for me? I have metal shavings in them again." Or my favorite is his mangled hands that are constantly bleeding, red, swollen, bruised. He likes grossing me out I think. Like with flaps of skin dangling from his finger or whatever. Yuck! Sorry about the graphics, but that literally is what I deal with on a daily basis. I have a little break from it now because a week ago he and my daughter wrecked the 4 wheeler they were on and he now has a fractured back. See what I mean??? They both are healing quickly though so it won't be long before I am grossed out again. What else can I tell you about me??? I am the oldest of 4 kids. We grew up Mormon (big shreik). I sometimes wonder how my parents ever did that religion for as long as they did. My father still goes every Sunday, but the rest of us have fallen away from the flock so to speak. I kind of believe in something, not sure what, but I think that if I am a good person and try to be good to the people in my life then I'll be ok and arrive at the "pearly gates" or wherever. I love going out and getting silly drunk with my girlfriends on Friday night. It's the one thing that keeps me sane. I'm addicted to Jack n Coke. I'm your whiskey girl. Or a good Cosmo or Mojito, or a beer. Well obviously I'm not that picky. I am not a raging alcoholic even though it kind of sounds that way. I desperately want to travel and explore this world we live in. With a 3 yr old this becomes a little difficult, but I'm trying.

About my bros and sis. Well I have 2 bros. we'll call them Jay and Silent Bob. Jay's the youngest of the bunch and he is cocky, self absorbed, mean sometimes, but hard working and seems to have become a good father (I'm not sure how). Silent Bob is quiet, very hard working, sensitive to a fault, though you wouldn't know by looking at him, and is trying very hard to be a good, single parent (his babymama is a complete crack whore!). My sis, we'll call her Bea, is a very intellectual, creative, artsy fartsy, organic, California living, drug counseling beautiful person. I love her and look up to her and admire her. She is such a unique person. So that's the short version of my family and me. I'm sure I will be able to fill pages with stories of the stuff my bros do and the accidents my Bitterman gets into. So for now, I'm out!

I really am trying

Ok so I really am going to try and give this blog site a fighting chance. I have it, I might as well use it right? Of course, currently I am the only one checking it out on a remotely regular basis. Hmmm. I need to work on that. I have a couple of friends on Blogspot and I am totally addicted to their mad ramblings for instance GreenT always gives me a good laugh or makes me think deep for a moment. I also love Pink is the New Blog! (thanks to GreenT) and I happen to love International Kung Fu Corporation ( the weekly update of my friends miracle baby). So how do I go about making this blog interesting enough for people to want to check it out? I could try and make it all flashy and what not. Or I could name drop famous people like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (who I love btw) so that when they google it it might pop up my blog. I just don't really know how these things work or what I feel like I want to put into it! So for now it's here and I am trying. Maybe I will send out mass emails to my friends and MAKE them check it out!