10 Things About Me

Ok here goes my attempt at 10 interesting things about me!

1. This may not be interesting but it's true. I pluck my eyebrows religiously every single day. I can't handle even one stray getting loose and looking crazy!

2. I am totally addicted to Facebook. I even put it on my blackberry so I can check it while I'm out and about.

3. I'm beginning to realize it's ok to ask for things. Help, friendship, free time, and space. Just to name a few.

4. I have a sister that is pregnant and I'm seriously considering moving my family to be closer to her and that baby!!

5. I go to therapy every week and I LOVE it!

6. I used to use my mother's leftover sewing fabric to make "Becky Originals". I wanted to be a fashion designer SO bad. (I can't sew to save my life tho...)

7. My daughter amazes me and annoys me equally on a somewhat daily basis.

8. I love my husband. I know, not interesting. But I still get excited when he walks in the door, I love the way he walks, and I can see myself with him when we are old.

9. If my husband dies before me, I'm travelling the world until I die.

10. Man is it hard to think of interesting things to say about yourself.

OK time for the tagging....

I tag, Kellie, Cheri, Angie, Kim, Becky W and anyone else that wants to do this thing!

Coming to Terms

I've recently been re-evaluating some of my relationships. Thanks to therapy and just taking some time away from a certain friend of mine, I've come to realize that I put a LOT more effort into my friendships than some people do. I want to fix my friends or family and it ultimately leaves me feeling hurt, mad, sad, and under appreciated when the person I'm putting all this effort into doesn't reciprocate in the friendship. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my friend is very self centered. She just is not capable of being an open, sharing, caring, concerned friend. I'm always hoping she will change and become this person that I know she can be, but it just never happens. After talking to a mutual friend of ours, she confirmed what I am just realizing. She said that it had NEVER been about anyone but this person. I found some comfort in this. Like at least it's not just me feeling this way or seeing these traits. It still hurts though knowing that I'm growing as a person and she is not. And that nothing I do or say is going to make her see her own potential and strive for it. So I am moving on with my life and she eventually will just be an occasional friend. This becoming an adult, finding my path, and striving to be better thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

The Ugly Truth

Here are the pics of my body. They are not pretty. I warn you all (well all two of you that read anyway) you may be tramatized by the following pics. No there is no nudity. Though my husband while taking the pics kept saying "Ooooooh naked pics!" Which is why I have a stupid ass grin in them. My current weight is 209 lbs. My goal weight is to be around 165 or 170-ish. I have a long way to go, but I'm taking baby steps at this weight thing and I'm really trying to follow what my dietitian advises and keep on top of this thing. I never realized until today that my upper arms have turned into my 65 yr old mother's arms. I mean really. I HAVE DAMN WINGS!!!!! I go to the gym at least 3 days a week if not more and I do use weights. What gives??? I need to start focusing more on these damn upper arms of mine though before I lift off one of these days when strong breeze comes along. Ok without further ado...here's the ugly truth about my body.

Just looking at these almost makes me never want to put a candy bar, chip or whatever in my mouth again. I guess you never really KNOW what your body looks like until you get a camera out and just start clicking. So there it is. I'm overweight and well, not looking all that sexy here. But I'm working on it....

Ahhhhh Therapy!

Today was therapy day for me. I went to the gym and worked out my frustrations on some weight machines. My BFF totally dissed me. She overslept. WTH? I mean I know she owns an alarm clock?? Is it really that hard to get up when you told someone that you were going to meet them?? It has happened more than a couple times this way. She either doesn't want to get out of bed, it's too cold, she forgot to set her alarm, she has cramps, she was up late, the list goes on and on. I then headed on over to my therapist after the gym and the topic was my BFF. I just went off about how much it bothers that she has never had to grow up. Her parents help her in every single aspect of her life. Financially mostly. I guess maybe I'm a tad jealous of that. I don't know what it's like to have money or parents that are well-to-do. My Mom was great in many ways and taught me how to be a generous, caring, loving, hard working, focused person. She just never had two nickels to rub together. My dad is worthless. And that's all I can really say about him. Back to my BFF. So anywho...she has always had things handed to her. She'd wreck a car and her parents would buy her a new one, she wanted a house, they helped her buy her grandma's house (think like a $250 mortgage pymt), she quit her job (for over a yr unemployed) and they supported her, she wanted to start her own business, they gave her the money. It just never ends. And now she is with this real gem of a guy that puts her down, tells her she's fat, rips her friends apart, and constantly starts fights with her over nothing. Add to that the fact that she has been diagnosed with depression and should take meds but doesn't. Well she takes them on and off. She needs therapy of some sort desperately, but says she's to busy. All of this stuff she comes to me with. The mother in me wants to help her and protect her and encourage her, but the friend in me is wondering when she's gonna get her head out of her ass and grow up! I wish she would take responsibility for herself and her actions without the help of mom and dad. I've never had things handed to me. I guess that's why it hits such a nerve. It makes me mad that someone can have so much and not have a clue what to do with it. It makes me mad that she looks at her life like a soap opera and she's the star and everyone will cater to her needs. It makes me mad that she can't reciprocate the friendship the way I am towards her. So somehow I have to get some space between us. I need to focus on me and my family now. I start classes next week and my schedule is pretty hectic this semester. According to my therapist I need focus on myself more. This will help me get on the road to controlling my weight, being a better mother/wife, and being a better person in general. The only problem is that I'm not sure HOW to put space between us without her thinking I'm ditching her completely. So there. I've vented and covered all the juicy stuff from today. I'll be at the gym tomorrow. I'll be watching my food intake. And I'll be trying to avoid my BFF.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO?

The last few weeks have been completely crazy. Between the wedding, my super prego sister being home, Christmas and New Years I feel like I have been running non-stop! Now that it's all done....I kind of feel bored and lost. I not sure what I have to look forward to now. Weird huh? I do have a wedding that I'm in in June, so that's something and I have friends coming in from Hawaii in March. But overall, it's like I'm coming down from a super high and now all I have is the munchies and I'm feeling tired.

My dietitician visits haven't really been going that well lately either. I started with her about 3 months ago. She wanted me to journal all my food intake, only take in 1700 cal. a day, and exercise as much as I can during the week. At first I was all about it. I was all over the journaling and working out (and it worked!), but now I've kind of lost interest. I've been eating better. Less eating out and stuff. But I just feel like it's a pain in the ass to journal every single day. The working out has kind of fizzled too just because I feel like I haven't really had the time to get there. Along with the dietitician I have also started seeing a therapist. My weight seems to be linked to the fact that I sabotage myself. Whenever I get semi close to my goal ( being under 200lbs) I find some reason or whatever to go ahead and eat whatever I want. I blame it on having my period, being stressed, being to busy to cook a decent meal...the list could go on forever. So by talking to my therapist this is supposed to help identify why I do this to myself. So far though, I only really discovered that I have a LOT of issues with my Mom, my Mom in law and I have a LOT of anger because of my Dad and my Sis in law. I'm a work in progress.

My hopes for the immediate future are to get back to classes and start to get my normal routine back together. I want to get to the gym AT LEAST 3 days a week and I really need to start planning meals and cooking healthier. I am SO over this battle of the bulge thing. I'm not putting this out as a New Years resolution or whatever. Just that I'm sick and tired of being...well...not so skinny. For a very short term goal I'm going to work on losing 5 lbs over the next 2 weeks. After that, I'm going to shoot for another 5 lbs. I'm going to start making meal plans for the week so when I shop I know exactly what I'm getting and don't start buying a bunch of crap. Hopefully, these will all help me get back on track!! I'm gonna start posting pics again too so I can track how my body is changing (well hopefully changing). Ok well that's it for now!