Sunday, October 26, 2008
My daughter completely caught me off guard yesterday. She asked what the red, heart-shaped box was. I'm not ready to tell her about the red, heart-shaped box that holds the remains of the baby boy I lost almost 3 yrs ago. To add insult to injury, last night my mother in law brought Logan up. She has recently adopted a little boy who was born right at the time I lost Logan. She mentioned that she thought briefly about changing Alex's name to Logan (I really hope she wasn't serious). I just sat on her couch and cried. I couldn't even speak. I wasn't crying so much about the name thing. It was more about the fact that for almost 3 yrs I have pushed any thoughts of Logan to the back of my head. I haven't told The Girl about him. Bitterman and I don't even talk about him. And now more than ever I am feeling the pressure to have another child before I get to much older. So naturally I have been thinking about Logan and what happens if I do get pregnant and lose that baby. I just don't think I could handle it. So for most of yesterday and today I have been an emotional mess. Just a blob. Thank God I'm starting to see a therapist on Wed. Maybe she can help figure me out!