My Mom

This is my Mom. I love her with my whole heart, unconditionally, until the day I die and I will continue to love her even after that. She is my hero.

Glory Days

I've been thinking and reminiscing lately about my "glory days". They weren't really all that long ago. Ya know, back in your late teens and early twenties when your invincible and nothing could bring you down.... yeah those days. It makes me kind of sad that I didn't do more during that reckless, free period of my life. I drank too much and dated stupid boys and genuinely had a lot of fun but I had no responsibilities, not a care in the world and I didn't really do a whole lot. I should have traveled more, been more daring, gone cliff jumping a few more times, stayed out until dawn a few more times and really sucked up all that goes along with being that age. And I definitely should have taken more pictures of the friends that were so much my world back then. Warm summer nights around a bonfire with that cute boy that you'd been eyeing all day at the pond and feeling like time was standing still just for you. I miss the magic of that.

But then I got to thinking about how my late twenties were and how my early thirties are going so far and I'm beginning to wonder if these aren't my "glory days" right now? I'm better off financially (well sort of) than I once was, I have lots of friends that I share a lot of time with, I have the ability to go on adventures (though they do have to be a little less spontaneous these days) and I have love in my life. Every friday I go down to my brother's house and let my kid run rampant with his kids, our friends show up eventually with their children and next thing you know there are kids every where running in the night air and marveling at the bonfire. All of us adults talk and laugh and have a few drinks and remember when together. It has become a weekly event that I looked forward to and get excited for. I wonder if in ten years we'll find another way to all get together and share our lives with each other? I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do and realizes what a special time this is in our lives. Yes we all have our money issues, marital issues, kid issues, house issues, etc...but for a brief moment on friday nights it's all put behind us and we just enjoy each other. It is something that I will always hold close to my heart for as long as I live.

Celebrity

I know there are tons of blogs out there that do the celeb gossip thing. I even read a few of them and find them very entertaining. That being said I just don't get celebrities these days. I mean all the "famous" young hollywood, "IT" girls and boys...all they can lay claim to is the fact that they were born into a wealthy family or born unto famous parents. They themselves have done nothing. I mean nothing! I'm speaking of the celebrities like all those kids on the Hills, the Kardashians, the Stewarts and a list of more just like them. I briefly took in a little bit of this show on VH1 about "rebellious celebrity heirs". The majority, if not all of them, have zero actual talent for anything. It drives me crazy that these people are what my daughter will eventually be looking to for style or whatever. It really just makes me sick to my stomach. The Hannah Montana's, Selena Gomez's, and Demi Lovato's that are the up and coming stars and singers at least actually WORK for their money. The don't just go to red carpet events and what not.

I don't know why this has my panties all in a bunch tonight..it just does. It seems like the people I watched when I was growing up were actual stars, they worked, they played, they donated and they were genuine star material. Maybe that's the problem....I'm just getting old and I don't "get it" anymore! Whateve!

Worst Hair Ever

Mrs. G over at the Women's Colony has requested pics of our worst hairdos. I think my absolute worst hair ever was when I was 14 or 15. I got a perm. A really bad perm that left me with a poodle like poof of hair on my head! This pic is from one of our crazy nights out at the roller rink. Yeah...I was cool, I know. That's me in the orange t-shirt and red glasses...I never got a perm again after I got these pics developed.

Friday Fill-Ins on a Wednesday Night

I'm doing this because I am bored at the moment and because my friend, Rebel , suggested that some of her readers get doing these fill in thingys. Sooooo here it goes!

1. The last thing I ate was chili and fries.

2. _Movie Tickets to Harry Potter is something I recently bought.

3. When it rains, it __frickin pours round these parts.___

4. __My child_ was the first person I talked to today.

5. Hugs are _always welcome and warm____.

6. ___I need__ extra comfort.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _a whole lot of nothing____, tomorrow my plans include _spending way to much time with my in-laws____ and Sunday, I want to __recover from spending so much time with my in laws!

I Have a Need.....To Vent!

I have been completely annoyed lately. Like with everyone. I'm wondering if it's because I changed birth control pills. I only get a visit from Aunt Flow every 3 months now, but I'm wondering if the PMSing is still kicking hard core or if I'm legitimately annoyed and have a right to be. Not just hormones talking, ya know. For example, my husband took this whole past weekend off. He did so for me. I was feeling needy for some time out with friends with out him or my kid. At the last minute though all of my friends that I had plans on hanging with Friday night got flushed right down the drain. Four of these said friends decided to go camping for the weekend and literally hours before they were leaving invited me to go....knowing full well that I had plans on Sat. that I really couldn't back out of. Though one of them did text me for like an hour trying to convince me to ditch my other committment. Is it just me or is that just an assholey thing to do?? So first annoyance. Then my husband knowing I was disappointed and annoyed by this asks me what my plans are for the weekend. I said I don't know, everyone went out of town. My BFF had an urgent trip to NYC because of one of her parents being ill so of my 5 or 6 good friends that I like to hang with none of them were available for the weekend. Annoyance number two. Add to these things the little annoyances caused by being in a house with my husband and daughter for the whole weekend when all I wanted to do was get away from them for a little bit and little annoyances became BIG annoyances. Over the last week my husband has worked 3 of 7 days. Do you think HE got up with our daughter on any of his days off??? NO. He did not. Not once did I get to sleep in. But that's ok....I should be used to it, right? Then I do the laundry, mow the lawn, feed the kid, entertain the kid, and clean up a little and he does nothing. He sleeps. BIG ANNOYANCE! So here I am on Monday completely frickin annoyed by just about everything and no real way to vent it. Husband is gone, BFF is at an appt, other friends are working, and I'm still here stuck in the house with the kid. I don't remember signing up for this crap?!!!!

Foggy

I really need to work on being more consistant with this blog thing....I know there's only like 2 people that read it, but it's nice to put all this stuff that's rattling around in my head out there.

I'm feeling kinda foggy this morning...classes are done (thank God!), my kid's playing next door, and my husband is sleeping after a long night protecting and serving our little city. I should be motivated and work out or clean my house, but I'm not. I've been realizing a lot of stuff about my marriage and myself lately. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. Ever since I started therapy I've been reevaluating everything. I've been wondering if I married my husband because at the time he rescued me from a bad situation with my Mom and home life in general. I keep thinking that I married my best friend, but that's it. Just a friend...no passion, no communication anymore, no anything...just a really great friendship. We both come and go as we please....he's working on his career and I'm working on mine and we come together in the middle somewhere to take care of our daughter and eat dinner. I just feel empty, depressed, trapped, sad, lonely...how do make your spouse realize that communications have broken down and that it needs to be worked on? 

On the other side of things I've been doing really well with managing my weight. I'm below 200lbs for the first time in 6 yrs!!! It feels great and I'm motivated more than ever to keep this momentum going. My dietitian and I were almost in tears this past week when I weighed in!! Such a GREAT feeling to finally be accomplishing something!

Stuff In My Head

Lately I have had a lot of things jiggling around in this head of mine. It's been a very stressful couple of months. Ok. It's been like 8 months. Between our septic shitting the bed, my daughters dental bills being well over $4000 and my husband refinancing our mortgage (which was not a great deal at all!!) we have been completely strapped for cash. Like to the point where I'm trying to remember how my mother cooked, scrimped, and baked from scratch so I can save some money. It really is wearing on my nerves. It brings back such hard memories of struggling in my youth and being the poor kid at school. Every year I wore hand me downs or clothes from Kmart while all the other kids were shopping at the Gap, JCPenney or some other store IN THE MALL! Kids really do pick up on that stuff and man are they mean. So I've been really on edge because of all this stuff. 

Fast forward to Mother's Day...I told my husband I didn't want anything because I know cash is tight. We had a family dinner out with his parents at Red Lobster. Our bill came to around $60. I was grateful to be out with everyone, but now we have no money for the next week and a half until he gets paid. On top of that, when we got home, later that evening he decides he wants to bake his mother a cake. Her birthday is on mother's day. I'm not mad because he wanted to bake her a cake. BUT he didn't even think to bake me a cake for Mother's Day or clean the house or leave me a little love note or anything! NOTHING! Just a hug in the morning! I mean what the hell?? Am I crazy to be a little miffed because we did all this stuff for his mom but I can't even get a simple breakfast made or little homemade note? It kind of pushed me over the edge! I didn't say anything about it. I went on with my day and I cleaned like a crazy person and mopped my floors. But I'm still kind of hurt....we've been together 12 yrs. Shouldn't he know by now to do something or anything to remind me why he loves me? 

Then when I was completely brooding and decided to ignore him and the kid I locked myself away and got online. I got the MOST wonderful gift ever! My ex boyfriend from when I was like 16 found me online. My heart raced and instantly  I was smiling. He was the best boyfriend ever and was there for me through some VERY hard family times. He also is the only person other than my family that remembers my mom before she got ill and lost her grip on reality. I have weighed every single man against the example he set all those years ago. Even my husband now. I married my Bitter Little Man because he was the closest contender to my first love. Now I just want to make it clear that I'm not in love with him anymore, but I do love him. I will always have a soft spot for him. These last couple of days talking to him online have made me happier than I've been in months!!! He gets me. Like really gets me. We lost touch because of my 18 yr old rebellious phase and his wanting to get the hell out of dodge. He moved to Maine and I stayed here. Then I got married and moved away. It's been 13 yrs since I saw him last. 13 yrs! And now he's back! I told Bitterman about him and I have been completely open about it. I hope my husband can understand what a friend I had is this man. That he shaped who I have become is so many ways......sometimes I wish I was just free. Free to come and go as I please, free to not be married anymore, free to just do what I want to do....sometimes.

  

Stress

I am stressed. I have NO money. Like seriously none. Our septic tank caved in. And soon I will probably be crapping in the woods. Not to mention being a full time student, mom, wife, friend and all that other jazz where your supposed to put on a happy face and claim that life is GREAT! Life is NOT great right now. I have stress and all I want to do is eat a plate of brownies dipped in a vat of ice cream.

Learning

I'm learning through all this therapy and stuff that I am a doormat. That my whole life I have let people use me, walk all over me, rely on me to help them and never once have I really asked for anything in return. I have become accustomed to being a "mom" to anyone that needs one. Advice? I'll give it. Shoulder to cry on? I'll give it. Need your mail picked up? I'll get it. Need a ride? I'll come get ya. Some of these aren't really bad but they lead to bad things if you never get them in return. I'm learning that this is my Dad's fault. I'm learning that my BFF has the depth of a rock. Which is really starting to annoy me. I'm learning that I really want people in my life that are weak and depressed to stand up for themselves, get help, and frickin get over it all ready. We ALL have struggles. If your not gonna help yourself then I can only do so much. My attitude, that I also got from my father, is actually starting to pay off in some positive ways. I'm learning that I can be a force to be wreckoned with. And lastly I'm learning that I matter. My wants and needs matter. And that it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes.

Wants and Needs

My mother taught me at a very young age to learn to the difference between wants and needs. The other day we had a little extra cash and I decided to buy myself some bras, socks, underwear and workout clothes. I spent around $80. Woohoo. Exciting, I know. I felt guilty for spending that much money on myself. I know it's not a lot of money by any means, but that's just how my brain works. My bitter little man has never really learned the difference between wants and needs. Bitterman decided months ago that he "needed" another gun. He bought a gun when he got this police job and now because all the other cops are carrying an "off duty weapon" he feels he just has to carry one too! So now we will have 2 guns in the house, which I'm not to keen on. I'm also not to keen on the fact that the gun he is getting is over $600! I'm mad because 1. its a lot of money when we don't have a lot of money (we just spent almost $400 on his car so it would pass inspection). 2. he doesn't need it, we don't live in the city where the other guys live (the likelihood that we'll ever see someone he arrests is slim to none). 3. it's not like he'll EVER be able to shoot both at once if he was attacked or whatever. So I am mad. I am mad and I want him to realize he doesn't NEED the damn gun!!!! What the hell?????

Dear Dad

As a part of my ongoing quest to be the best person I can be, I have been prompted by my therapist to write a letter to my father. I will never give this letter to him, but hopefully it will help me get passed a lot of the issues I have with him. So here's what's been weighing on my heart.

Dear Dad,

I am so angry with you. I am hurt. I am completely befuddled by your actions or should I say lack of actions over the past 10-15 yrs. Remember when I was little and you came to every softball game? Remember practicing with me every single day after work? Remember asking about my day and school and MY life??? Remember promising to always love me and be there for me? Do YOU??? Because I think somewhere along the way you have forgotten what it means to be a father. Just because your children grow doesn't mean that they don't need you anymore. A child ALWAYS needs their parent. As a father you were supposed to be my guide through life, my shoulder to cry on, my rock. You were supposed to step up when your children needed help and offer advice.
When Mom started losing her grip on reality and bi-polar set in, you should have protected us. When she was hospitalized for 90 days did you actually think it was OK for a 15yr old and 13 yr old boy to stay in an apartment by themselves? Yes you stopped in and made sure they had food, but did you hug them and reassure them you would help them get thru this? Did you move in to make sure they were going to school? NO. Your sons will never forgive you for bailing on them. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you. When they needed you the most in their life you moved South.
I also needed you many, many times over the years. All I ever wanted was for you to realize that you disappointed us and just apologize. Then maybe we could move on become the close family we once were. I mourn the loss of our closeness. You not making it to my wedding renewal ceremony was the final straw. It broke my heart. Do you know that? My heart is so empty without a parent to rely on. Mom was always there, I know. But I can't call her now and tell her about my bad day or call for advice about my cranky 5 yr old or even just talk to her and tell her how much I love her. I have constantly hoped that you would fill that hole. But you never did. You can't even talk on the phone with me for more than 10 minutes. I've tried to explain how this makes me feel and you change the subject and hang up. You are so selfish. You act like you love us, but you only love yourself. You wonder why your sons don't call you? You wonder why your other daughter doesn't call you? Your lucky that I still care enough to keep in touch with you. The sad thing is that you don't even realize how lucky you are to have kids like us. We have struggled watching our mother turn into a shell of herself, we have supported ourselves from very young ages, we have all turned into decent adults that somehow still find joy in our lives. We have learned to rely on each other.
You know what though? I still love you. I just don't know why.

Love Always,

Your First Born

Super Blah

I have been having a super blah day. I woke up and went to the gym before class. Which is a good thing. I've been very unmotivated for the last 2 weeks. But it was rushed and then I get to class and it is super boring. Then I had a bunch of boring running around to do today. So yeah....just super blah. Top that all off with an online test for my microbiology class which I totally bombed. All I want to do is eat a bag of chips with a pint of ice cream. Luckily I don't have either in my arsenal. My BFF is crazy. My hubby just doesn't understand and my my 5yr old is jumping all over my last nerve.....ok I will end my rant now. Thanks for listening. Well reading.

Stolen from She's a Rebel...

here's a link to a beautiful video for ya to watch. check it out! i'm not really cool enough to know how to actually post the video here...i know, i suck.
http://vimeo.com/3089746

10 Things About Me

Ok here goes my attempt at 10 interesting things about me!

1. This may not be interesting but it's true. I pluck my eyebrows religiously every single day. I can't handle even one stray getting loose and looking crazy!

2. I am totally addicted to Facebook. I even put it on my blackberry so I can check it while I'm out and about.

3. I'm beginning to realize it's ok to ask for things. Help, friendship, free time, and space. Just to name a few.

4. I have a sister that is pregnant and I'm seriously considering moving my family to be closer to her and that baby!!

5. I go to therapy every week and I LOVE it!

6. I used to use my mother's leftover sewing fabric to make "Becky Originals". I wanted to be a fashion designer SO bad. (I can't sew to save my life tho...)

7. My daughter amazes me and annoys me equally on a somewhat daily basis.

8. I love my husband. I know, not interesting. But I still get excited when he walks in the door, I love the way he walks, and I can see myself with him when we are old.

9. If my husband dies before me, I'm travelling the world until I die.

10. Man is it hard to think of interesting things to say about yourself.

OK time for the tagging....

I tag, Kellie, Cheri, Angie, Kim, Becky W and anyone else that wants to do this thing!

Coming to Terms

I've recently been re-evaluating some of my relationships. Thanks to therapy and just taking some time away from a certain friend of mine, I've come to realize that I put a LOT more effort into my friendships than some people do. I want to fix my friends or family and it ultimately leaves me feeling hurt, mad, sad, and under appreciated when the person I'm putting all this effort into doesn't reciprocate in the friendship. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that my friend is very self centered. She just is not capable of being an open, sharing, caring, concerned friend. I'm always hoping she will change and become this person that I know she can be, but it just never happens. After talking to a mutual friend of ours, she confirmed what I am just realizing. She said that it had NEVER been about anyone but this person. I found some comfort in this. Like at least it's not just me feeling this way or seeing these traits. It still hurts though knowing that I'm growing as a person and she is not. And that nothing I do or say is going to make her see her own potential and strive for it. So I am moving on with my life and she eventually will just be an occasional friend. This becoming an adult, finding my path, and striving to be better thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

The Ugly Truth

Here are the pics of my body. They are not pretty. I warn you all (well all two of you that read anyway) you may be tramatized by the following pics. No there is no nudity. Though my husband while taking the pics kept saying "Ooooooh naked pics!" Which is why I have a stupid ass grin in them. My current weight is 209 lbs. My goal weight is to be around 165 or 170-ish. I have a long way to go, but I'm taking baby steps at this weight thing and I'm really trying to follow what my dietitian advises and keep on top of this thing. I never realized until today that my upper arms have turned into my 65 yr old mother's arms. I mean really. I HAVE DAMN WINGS!!!!! I go to the gym at least 3 days a week if not more and I do use weights. What gives??? I need to start focusing more on these damn upper arms of mine though before I lift off one of these days when strong breeze comes along. Ok without further ado...here's the ugly truth about my body.

Just looking at these almost makes me never want to put a candy bar, chip or whatever in my mouth again. I guess you never really KNOW what your body looks like until you get a camera out and just start clicking. So there it is. I'm overweight and well, not looking all that sexy here. But I'm working on it....

Ahhhhh Therapy!

Today was therapy day for me. I went to the gym and worked out my frustrations on some weight machines. My BFF totally dissed me. She overslept. WTH? I mean I know she owns an alarm clock?? Is it really that hard to get up when you told someone that you were going to meet them?? It has happened more than a couple times this way. She either doesn't want to get out of bed, it's too cold, she forgot to set her alarm, she has cramps, she was up late, the list goes on and on. I then headed on over to my therapist after the gym and the topic was my BFF. I just went off about how much it bothers that she has never had to grow up. Her parents help her in every single aspect of her life. Financially mostly. I guess maybe I'm a tad jealous of that. I don't know what it's like to have money or parents that are well-to-do. My Mom was great in many ways and taught me how to be a generous, caring, loving, hard working, focused person. She just never had two nickels to rub together. My dad is worthless. And that's all I can really say about him. Back to my BFF. So anywho...she has always had things handed to her. She'd wreck a car and her parents would buy her a new one, she wanted a house, they helped her buy her grandma's house (think like a $250 mortgage pymt), she quit her job (for over a yr unemployed) and they supported her, she wanted to start her own business, they gave her the money. It just never ends. And now she is with this real gem of a guy that puts her down, tells her she's fat, rips her friends apart, and constantly starts fights with her over nothing. Add to that the fact that she has been diagnosed with depression and should take meds but doesn't. Well she takes them on and off. She needs therapy of some sort desperately, but says she's to busy. All of this stuff she comes to me with. The mother in me wants to help her and protect her and encourage her, but the friend in me is wondering when she's gonna get her head out of her ass and grow up! I wish she would take responsibility for herself and her actions without the help of mom and dad. I've never had things handed to me. I guess that's why it hits such a nerve. It makes me mad that someone can have so much and not have a clue what to do with it. It makes me mad that she looks at her life like a soap opera and she's the star and everyone will cater to her needs. It makes me mad that she can't reciprocate the friendship the way I am towards her. So somehow I have to get some space between us. I need to focus on me and my family now. I start classes next week and my schedule is pretty hectic this semester. According to my therapist I need focus on myself more. This will help me get on the road to controlling my weight, being a better mother/wife, and being a better person in general. The only problem is that I'm not sure HOW to put space between us without her thinking I'm ditching her completely. So there. I've vented and covered all the juicy stuff from today. I'll be at the gym tomorrow. I'll be watching my food intake. And I'll be trying to avoid my BFF.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO?

The last few weeks have been completely crazy. Between the wedding, my super prego sister being home, Christmas and New Years I feel like I have been running non-stop! Now that it's all done....I kind of feel bored and lost. I not sure what I have to look forward to now. Weird huh? I do have a wedding that I'm in in June, so that's something and I have friends coming in from Hawaii in March. But overall, it's like I'm coming down from a super high and now all I have is the munchies and I'm feeling tired.

My dietitician visits haven't really been going that well lately either. I started with her about 3 months ago. She wanted me to journal all my food intake, only take in 1700 cal. a day, and exercise as much as I can during the week. At first I was all about it. I was all over the journaling and working out (and it worked!), but now I've kind of lost interest. I've been eating better. Less eating out and stuff. But I just feel like it's a pain in the ass to journal every single day. The working out has kind of fizzled too just because I feel like I haven't really had the time to get there. Along with the dietitician I have also started seeing a therapist. My weight seems to be linked to the fact that I sabotage myself. Whenever I get semi close to my goal ( being under 200lbs) I find some reason or whatever to go ahead and eat whatever I want. I blame it on having my period, being stressed, being to busy to cook a decent meal...the list could go on forever. So by talking to my therapist this is supposed to help identify why I do this to myself. So far though, I only really discovered that I have a LOT of issues with my Mom, my Mom in law and I have a LOT of anger because of my Dad and my Sis in law. I'm a work in progress.

My hopes for the immediate future are to get back to classes and start to get my normal routine back together. I want to get to the gym AT LEAST 3 days a week and I really need to start planning meals and cooking healthier. I am SO over this battle of the bulge thing. I'm not putting this out as a New Years resolution or whatever. Just that I'm sick and tired of being...well...not so skinny. For a very short term goal I'm going to work on losing 5 lbs over the next 2 weeks. After that, I'm going to shoot for another 5 lbs. I'm going to start making meal plans for the week so when I shop I know exactly what I'm getting and don't start buying a bunch of crap. Hopefully, these will all help me get back on track!! I'm gonna start posting pics again too so I can track how my body is changing (well hopefully changing). Ok well that's it for now!