Ancient History

Recently I have been reading one of my friend's blogs thru myspace. She is an old friend that I used to hang with in like middle school. She was/is such a cool chick. Basically, for I guess therapeutic reasons, she has started recounting a terrible event in her life. At first I was kind of shocked and wondered why she would want to put such a terrible experience out there so publicly. But after reading her many blogs about it I find it not only helps her, but it helps others who may have been in the same situation. I am one of those people. Over 10 yrs ago I was raped. Just writing that makes me feel like it's not really real, that I sound like a drama queen or something. But it is true. I've never really told anyone about it. I have a very close friend that went to the hospital with me and my husband knows and that's about it. I think at the time it happened I clammed up. My brothers had heard about it and they thought I was slut. They thought it was my fault. I didn't ever tell my parents. I just tried to forget about it. The worst part of all of it was that the guy I was dating at the time was one of the rapers. It was him and 3 of his friends. My guy had taken me to a huge family and friend pigroast. There was drinking and drugs. I was drinking and I did get high. There were probably about 75-100 people at this shindig. As the night wore on I told my guy that I was going to bed. Everyone was camping outside and there were tents everywhere, not to mention the owners house. I have no idea what time it was, but suddenly my guy comes in and he is completely wasted. Stumbling, slurring speech, completely, well, shitfaced. Next thing I know his 3 friends come in and one's holding my hands, one's got his hand over my mouth, and the other 2 start doing whatever they want to my body. I just cried and cried. I couldn't move, I felt sick, I was praying that it would be sunrise soon. It seemed like an eternity that these guys were in the tent. To this day I don't understand how noone heard anything. I mean even though my mouth was covered I was definitely sobbing and I know the guys were talking and laughing and whatnot. I just didn't get it. Sunrise finally came and as soon as it did I told my guy that I wanted to get home. He drove me home and I immediately went to the hospital with my friend. They did the whole rape kit procedure on me, how degrading and embarrassing. I don't know why I was embarrassed. There was an officer that wanted to take a police report. I didn't give one. I was so scared by these guys that did this to me. I felt like if I pressed charges against them they would hurt me or my family. They all lived within 3-5 miles of my house. They knew my brothers and partied with them. I was worried that my mom would find out and think less of me. Of course, at that time my mom had kind of checked out mentally anyway. I didn't tell my dad. I told my husband, who at that time was just one of my best friends. I can't really explain how I felt. Horrified, sad, used, pathetic, broken... My guy that I was dating came over a couple days later. Can you believe the nerve? He sat in his car in my driveway and I went out. He tells me how sorry he is for what happened and that he didn't mean for it to happen. I remember asking him why he didn't stop them. Why he even let them in? If he and I were a "thing" why would he share me like that? He gave me some lame excuse about being drunk. Then he says "I hope your not going to press charges because that would be really bad". He then threatened my family and me if I did. He and his friends managed to tell all of the people, well party friends, that I was a slut and that I do trains or whatever. This is how my brothers found out and hence why they thought I was a slut. My reputation was ruined, I felt completely abandoned and alone, and my own brothers thought I was a slut that did this willingly. Eventually, I moved away and lived on my own. I have never seen those guys since. I've heard that one is in jail for sexual conduct with a child, one moved to Connecticut, and the other 2 I have no clue about. My one regret is that I was so scared by them that I didn't press charges. Maybe they all would have been in jail if I had.