Beliefs

I had the weirdest thing happen the other day...a long time friend of mine emailed me on FB to ask me if I was raised Mormon. Totally took me by surprise. I stopped really practicing the Mormon religion when I was about 15 or so. That whole teenage angst thing mixed with a bipolar, out of work-off her meds, mother and two brothers that were more interested in getting high and spitting on me kind of threw a kink in my belief system. I lost my faith in just about everything and everyone during those years. Now that I'm an adult with a child, I toss around the idea of going back to the church. There's a lot of really great things about the Mormon religion--the sense of community and charity is overwhelming. But there are a lot of things about the religion that, at this point in my life, I just don't buy in to. For instance, some of the ideas about not drinking, smoking, cursing, drinking caffeine and so on just don't sit well with me. I honestly don't believe that God will send me to eternal damnation for drinking a beer or a soda. I also don't really like how it is a male dominant religion. Women don't really hold any positions of power with in the church. That all being said, I still feel as though I'm not really comfortable in a church unless it's a Mormon church. I've been to many other churches with my friends and in laws and have never totally felt that feeling. The feeling of something true and good. The feeling that the people are genuine. I guess that's part of the reason I left the Mormon church...I stopped feeling that feeling. That still small voice was gone. I struggle with this a lot. I want to believe in something again...I just don't know how.

One Holiday Down...

I made it through Thanksgiving...barely. I've had a KILLER headache for 2 days now and nothing is helping it go away! The food was surprisingly good at my MIL's and I only shed a couple tears when I had to drop my Mom off tonight...

So yeah. Thanksgiving down, just Christmas to go!

Countdown to T-Day

It's almost here! Thanksgiving!! Yay!! NOT. We are spending the whole day with my in-laws this year. It really won't be that bad, but it doesn't require some work to mentally prepare for the day. I am pleasantly surprised that we aren't providing everything this year. Usually my MIL asks us to make potatoes, sweet potatoes, scalloped oysters (yuck!), 3 pies, a jello dessert, and rolls. She provides just the turkey. But this year our list of items was shortened to just sweet potatoes, two pies and the scalloped oysters (still yuck). I'm glad, but now I'm wondering who's in charge of the other stuff? Is she going to cook everything else? Martha Stewart she isn't. I guess we'll just have to see!

On other holiday news, our tree is up, lights are put up on the house and stockings are hung. I think the Hubs jumped the gun a little but they do look nice...is it January yet?

Holiday Blahs--The Early Edition

I do not like the holiday season. Does that make me a bad person? I mean I make it through Thanksgiving ok, but Christmas straight on through New Year's is all down hill. Christmas has always meant stress, money concerns, too much running around, and too much focus on the gifts for everyone, too much family trying to cram a years worth of bonding into one day. Tonight the stress began about what day to have our family Christmas get together. Due to more family being in state this year and multiple parties, I suggested our family celebrating a week later. Make it a NYE/Christmas party. Well you'd think I killed the Pope or something. It's been nothing but drama and bickering for a week now. I had an all out fight with my youngest brother about it. Because he decided a hockey game would be more important for him on the night of our party. Add to this the fact that my husband LOVES Christmas and has been playing Christmas music since the day after Halloween and you can see why I'm a bit off. He's been calling me Scrooge on top of it too. I think the last time I enjoyed Christmas I was 12. I should start drinking now and just not stop until we're well into January...

What's for Dinner?

I have been very diligent over the past week to watch my calories and get to the gym. I'm really trying to focus more on me and my health. It hit me a couple weeks ago when I turned 35 (gasp) that I really need to get it together. But tonight...tonight there is nothing I want more than my mom's fried chicken and mashed potatoes. So that is what I'm making. I even measured my ingredients for the first time ever so I could post them for you two people that read my blog from time to time. Now I just call this recipe my mom's fried chicken, but my youngest brother calls it Half-Assed Fried Chicken. Why half-assed? Well because I only fried the chicken on the stove top to brown it up and then I finish cooking it in the oven. It still turns out crispy, crunchy and delicious. So here's the cast of characters. WARNING: there is nothing healthy about this recipe at all!

Ingredients:

6 bone in, skin on chicken thighs

3/4 c. of vegetable or other oil of your choice

2 tbsp butter

2 c. all purpose flour

1/2 tsp chili powder

just less than 1 tbsp seasoned salt

1tbsp dried parsley

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp garlic powder

1/4 tsp poultry seasoning

2 tsp minced onions (dried McCormick brand)

1 tbsp kosher salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

2 eggs whisked with a dash of water

Begin by combining the flour and all of the seasonings. I prefer to use a ziploc type bag and shaking it all together. Rinse your chicken and then place in the flour mixture, a couple pieces at a time, and shake the hell out of it. Once all pieces are coated then place the chicken in the whisked egg mixture and coat each side. Place the chicken back in the flour bag and shake to coat again. While I'm doing these steps I start my oil and butter heating in a pan. I really crank it up to about medium high to get the oil good and hot. Once all the chicken is coated for the second time and the oil is hot then I place a few pieces in at time or if I feel like using my big pan I can usually get all 6 pieces in at once. I leave them to fry on one side for maybe 5-8 minutes and the flip them to brown up the other side. The second side only takes about 5 minutes. Once all the chicken is golden brown and crispy I place them on a baking sheet and popped them into a 350 degree oven for about 20 minutes or 185-200 degrees. YUM!!!

Sanity

Sanity has returned to my house. My last post was me at my wits end. Literally. I let it all out via text message to the Man and I believe he was afraid to come home that night. Long story short, I got over it and my child is my angelic little girl once again. Well maybe not angelic...

So no worries, I haven't gone ape shit and put my kid in a closet for days or anything.

There are days that I desperately wish for nothing more than to be in a quiet room by myself with no family within 100 miles. Preferably, that room would be on a beach with a well stocked bar.

Losing it

i am losing my fucking mind right now. why? because my 7 yr old child has, in the last hour, thrown a fit over cheese, a fit over a toy that she broke, and a fit over a doll. i have HAD IT!! it's been one of those days where the only words out of her mouth is "I NEED". let's keep in mind that any other day she is a completely independent, makes her own snack, plays by herself kind of chick. not today. today it's let's be up mommy's ass all day, day. mommy needs a break. like now.

Six year olds

My Girl is 6. She will be 7 very shortly. The never ending list of things she wants for her birthday keeps getting brought up over dinner. Like I could ever forget it...dolls, razor scooter thingy, zhu zhu pets (yikes?), a four wheeler, the Barbie doll that's a mermaid, some clothes, and pink streaks in her hair are constants. Every now and then she throws something else in there that some kid on the bus had, but for the most part those are the gifts at the top of her list. So here's my thing, I don't feel that a lot of these are worth wasting my money on. A four wheeler is just out of the question because I don't have an extra 600-1000 bucks to drop on her, the zhu zhu pets are just ridiculous, and the Barbie...well let's just say me and Barbie don't get along so well. My Bitter Little Man thinks I'm bitter and stingy about gift giving, but it's really just that I don't want a bunch of crap around my house that's just gonna get chewed by the dog or I'm going to end up picking up 10,000 times a day. Does that make me a bad mom? Maybe it's because I was brought up in a very poor household with 4 children and when it came to birthdays or Christmas is was always very simple. We got one big gift and then usually some little items that we could use (shampoo, conditioner, pens, pencils etc...). There was a lot of sacrificing and compromising. I just feel like even though my husband and I are better off than my parents were it doesn't mean we should just give in to our daughter's every little wish. How will she ever truly appreciate anything? I've been trying to figure out ways to help her appreciate the things we do provide for her. So far...it's not working. How do you get a 6 year old to understand and appreciate what she has? Maybe I'm expecting too much...

So Here's the Skinny

I'm getting more used to my new job. Do I love it? NO. Is it a means to an end while I finish up school? YES. It has definitely given me a profound appreciation for the difference between what a nurse does and a nurse's aide does. I can't wait to be a nurse. Being able to sit once in a while will be completely worth it! The aides NEVER sit or eat or pee or stand in one spot very long. It's so exhausting. I know I kinda sound like a whiner, but I've been a stay at home for the last 3 yrs and before that I was at a desk playing receptionist all day. It's a big change to be up and moving for 8 hrs straight! Add in bending, lifting, squatting, stretching, pulling, walking and phewwwww I tell it's one hell of a workout!

Speaking of workouts....my insanity kick I was on has ended. I just don't have the time now (excuses, excuses). I'm going to try and fit in some extra walking around campus and really crack down on my eating habits. I've gained SO MUCH FRIGGIN WEIGHT!!! And I'm really beginning to be disgusted by it. So once I get my class routine down, then that will be the next focus.

Other than school and work I am trying to fit my family in there somewhere. I'll be glad when school starts for my Girl then I won't feel so bad about leaving her everyday for hours. She'll be learning while I'm learning. Woot! My Bitter Little Man on the other hand is a whole different situation. He's picked up a shift at work one night a week in addition to his normal night hours. During the days before he goes to work I am in class, by the time I get out he's gone and doesn't get home until after I've gone to bed....maybe I can catch him on the weekend? This kind of situation makes us both very irritable. I'm only on day 2 of classes and that is apparent. Why didn't I do all this school stuff when I was 18??? Hmmmm?? My parents totally should have kicked my ass into shape back in the day. Well they weren't really in a position to, I guess. That's it for now...happy Tuesday to ya!

Crap

My new job is draining the life out of me. It's only been 3 days. Have I wasted the last 3 yrs of my life in school for a profession that I may end up hating? I'm so lost right now. I had a complete meltdown today and was reduced to tears in a Lowe's parking lot because of work, school, money, life....this Friday night gets a big ole poop sandwich for the record.

2 week follow up

So I did my 2 week follow up fit test for the Insanity workout program that I am trying to follow. I'll be honest here and say that I did NOT work out 6 days a week for the last 2 weeks. I did do 4 workouts the first week and 2 workouts the second week. Yeah I kinda slacked. BUT all of my numbers did go up. I increased my reps in all of the exercises except for 2 where I stayed the same. Improvement in 6 out of 8 exercises isn't bad as far as I'm concerned. I have yet to take my measurements. I'm going to wait until the one month mark for those. So there it is.

I've been doing pretty well on my food intake and calorie counting. I've started using Livestrong.com to track my food intake and exercise. I really like the layout of it and the fact that it actually gives me useful tips and advice! So here's to getting healthy and kicking butt!!

Really??

Here's the short version of just what went down in my house. My sis in law texted me and asked if I could watch her 2 daughters and our nephew so she and my brother could go kayaking. Her oldest daughter is just at the tail end of pharygitis or mono and my nephew made himself puke all day the last time I watched him. My first reaction was REALLY??? I mean really. She's gonna pawn a sick kid and a kid she's supposed to be watching today off on me? I asked for a definite time and she has never texted me back. I told my Hubs and he says he'll be pissed if I watch the kids. He's not even going to be here!! He has to work!! So why would he be pissed?? Annoyed from both my sis in law and my Hubs right now.

Stolen idea

So one of my other blogger friends posted about her general lack of sex drive. I'm gonna steal that topic. Why?? Because I have ZERO interest in sex. I mean I can see a hot guy and think hmmm he's hot, I bet he'd be fun to __________. My poor husband thinks it's him. That I don't love him anymore. When that's not the case at all. I love him dearly, but every time he touches me I pull away. I know it has a lot to do with my weight and that I just don't feel sexy/attractive. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that we are basically roommates these days. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that my husbands idea of foreplay is grabbing my butt and saying come on. Why is it so hard for me to just enjoy sex and enjoy the fact that my husband loves me and my body just the way it is? I personally blame my issues on years of Mormon religion being shoved down my throat about being chaste and virtuous and waiting until marriage. Being the submissive wife and all that jazz. It's just not me. Never was. I used to be really sexually independent. Is that the right term? I was able to speak to my partner openly about what I liked. I've somehow lost that ability in the 12 yrs I've been married. I'm in my mid thirties and my doctor says it's normal. He has lots of female patients saying the same thing to him. But yet there's no solution....therapy is an option. But I've kinda been there and done that and it didn't help my sex drive one bit. So what do I do? I'm not sure...

Motivation

Ok I was all gung ho last week with this Insanity workout thing and now this week I've completely fizzled. My sis came into town on Thursday and that kind of threw a wrench into my workout/diet routine, but really it's more of an excuse than anything. She would have worked out with me at any time while she was here. We did workout on Friday though! So I really only skipped two workouts last week. Today though....yeah...just. not. feeling. it. I'm hoping my child will nap later and then I can fit a workout in. It's nearly impossible to workout if it's just her and I in the house. She watches and jumps on my back and giggles and really makes it hard to focus on what I'm doing. So let's cross our fingers for a nap, shall we?

In other news, I was recently hired to be a nurse assistant at a local hospital. I'm totally psyched to be working even if it is only per diem work. I haven't worked in 3 yrs!! On the other hand though I'm completely freaking out because I have no idea how I'm going to balance a job, school (nursing classes are ridiculously paperwork oriented), being a mom, wife and friend, and still have time in there for me. As it was this last semester nearly killed me!! So we'll see how it goes. I keep thinking about my mom. How the hell did she do it?? She was a single mom raising 4 children, she worked, went to and actively participated in church activities, went back to school in her 40s for her masters, was able to attend all school and sport events for us kids, kept a full vegetable garden and flower garden, and cooked from scratch every night. Where in the world did she find the time? I just have one child that isn't into any sports at the moment and I feel pressed for time. Maybe it's because she had to do and be all these things. I don't know...it just seems crazy to me.

So yeah...here's to Motivation!! I really wish I had some...

Ho Hum

I made it through hump day and I made it through Thursday. I skipped my workouts yesterday because of my super hectic day. I was running around all day. I ate pretty healthy until dinner when I ate TWO burgers my hubs made. I waited to long to eat and was starving by the time 8 pm came around. Today I'm back on it even though I'm feeling a bit ho hum. I'm going to try and get 2 workouts in today and stick to my healthy eating. So that's it. You're all updated now. :)

Battle of the Bulge

Today I kicked off my latest attempt at losing this God forsaken weight I've been carrying around for almost 7 yrs!!! I took all my measurements and weighed myself (I cried), and took the Fit Test for the Insanity workout video/dvd. The fit test alone just about killed me. I was so winded and tired by 15 minutes into it I didn't know how I was going to finish it, but I did. So far I like that the video ENCOURAGES lots of breaks if you need them. I needed them. Bad. I'm going to take some before pictures and in 60 days I'll take some after pics and hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised! Why can't it be as easy to lose it as it is to put it on!!??!!

Who has a green thumb??

My Bitter Little Man does. These are some of the flowers that have sprouted up so far in our little hodge-podge flower garden. I had NO idea that dahlias got so BIG!!

Cooped Up!!

I have a serious case of cabin fever!!! I have been kind of stuck in my house for almost 2 weeks now (thanks to a sick child and babysitting my nieces and nephew and it being like 100 degrees here!) and I really think I'm starting to lose it! I've gone out to get a couple groceries and whatnot's but I haven't really done anything for ME in a while. So this morning I'm going to head to the gym all by myself, then do some window shopping all by myself, and then I'm going to indulge in the The Twilight Saga: Eclipse ALL BY MYSELF! It will be wonderful even if I will be sweating my tush off in the process!!! I wonder if other Moms out there are as desperate for alone time as I am??

Heartache

Just like a ton of bricks, it hit me. I will never have a son. My brother in law and his wife just gave birth to a healthy, beautiful little boy. I would have delivered my boy around this time 4 years ago...my heart just aches right now.