Saturday, May 23, 2009


I really need to work on being more consistant with this blog thing....I know there's only like 2 people that read it, but it's nice to put all this stuff that's rattling around in my head out there.

I'm feeling kinda foggy this morning...classes are done (thank God!), my kid's playing next door, and my husband is sleeping after a long night protecting and serving our little city. I should be motivated and work out or clean my house, but I'm not. I've been realizing a lot of stuff about my marriage and myself lately. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. Ever since I started therapy I've been reevaluating everything. I've been wondering if I married my husband because at the time he rescued me from a bad situation with my Mom and home life in general. I keep thinking that I married my best friend, but that's it. Just a passion, no communication anymore, no anything...just a really great friendship. We both come and go as we please....he's working on his career and I'm working on mine and we come together in the middle somewhere to take care of our daughter and eat dinner. I just feel empty, depressed, trapped, sad, do make your spouse realize that communications have broken down and that it needs to be worked on? 

On the other side of things I've been doing really well with managing my weight. I'm below 200lbs for the first time in 6 yrs!!! It feels great and I'm motivated more than ever to keep this momentum going. My dietitian and I were almost in tears this past week when I weighed in!! Such a GREAT feeling to finally be accomplishing something!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Stuff In My Head

Lately I have had a lot of things jiggling around in this head of mine. It's been a very stressful couple of months. Ok. It's been like 8 months. Between our septic shitting the bed, my daughters dental bills being well over $4000 and my husband refinancing our mortgage (which was not a great deal at all!!) we have been completely strapped for cash. Like to the point where I'm trying to remember how my mother cooked, scrimped, and baked from scratch so I can save some money. It really is wearing on my nerves. It brings back such hard memories of struggling in my youth and being the poor kid at school. Every year I wore hand me downs or clothes from Kmart while all the other kids were shopping at the Gap, JCPenney or some other store IN THE MALL! Kids really do pick up on that stuff and man are they mean. So I've been really on edge because of all this stuff. 
Fast forward to Mother's Day...I told my husband I didn't want anything because I know cash is tight. We had a family dinner out with his parents at Red Lobster. Our bill came to around $60. I was grateful to be out with everyone, but now we have no money for the next week and a half until he gets paid. On top of that, when we got home, later that evening he decides he wants to bake his mother a cake. Her birthday is on mother's day. I'm not mad because he wanted to bake her a cake. BUT he didn't even think to bake me a cake for Mother's Day or clean the house or leave me a little love note or anything! NOTHING! Just a hug in the morning! I mean what the hell?? Am I crazy to be a little miffed because we did all this stuff for his mom but I can't even get a simple breakfast made or little homemade note? It kind of pushed me over the edge! I didn't say anything about it. I went on with my day and I cleaned like a crazy person and mopped my floors. But I'm still kind of hurt....we've been together 12 yrs. Shouldn't he know by now to do something or anything to remind me why he loves me? 
Then when I was completely brooding and decided to ignore him and the kid I locked myself away and got online. I got the MOST wonderful gift ever! My ex boyfriend from when I was like 16 found me online. My heart raced and instantly  I was smiling. He was the best boyfriend ever and was there for me through some VERY hard family times. He also is the only person other than my family that remembers my mom before she got ill and lost her grip on reality. I have weighed every single man against the example he set all those years ago. Even my husband now. I married my Bitter Little Man because he was the closest contender to my first love. Now I just want to make it clear that I'm not in love with him anymore, but I do love him. I will always have a soft spot for him. These last couple of days talking to him online have made me happier than I've been in months!!! He gets me. Like really gets me. We lost touch because of my 18 yr old rebellious phase and his wanting to get the hell out of dodge. He moved to Maine and I stayed here. Then I got married and moved away. It's been 13 yrs since I saw him last. 13 yrs! And now he's back! I told Bitterman about him and I have been completely open about it. I hope my husband can understand what a friend I had is this man. That he shaped who I have become is so many ways......sometimes I wish I was just free. Free to come and go as I please, free to not be married anymore, free to just do what I want to do....sometimes.