Dear Dad

As a part of my ongoing quest to be the best person I can be, I have been prompted by my therapist to write a letter to my father. I will never give this letter to him, but hopefully it will help me get passed a lot of the issues I have with him. So here's what's been weighing on my heart.

Dear Dad,

I am so angry with you. I am hurt. I am completely befuddled by your actions or should I say lack of actions over the past 10-15 yrs. Remember when I was little and you came to every softball game? Remember practicing with me every single day after work? Remember asking about my day and school and MY life??? Remember promising to always love me and be there for me? Do YOU??? Because I think somewhere along the way you have forgotten what it means to be a father. Just because your children grow doesn't mean that they don't need you anymore. A child ALWAYS needs their parent. As a father you were supposed to be my guide through life, my shoulder to cry on, my rock. You were supposed to step up when your children needed help and offer advice.
When Mom started losing her grip on reality and bi-polar set in, you should have protected us. When she was hospitalized for 90 days did you actually think it was OK for a 15yr old and 13 yr old boy to stay in an apartment by themselves? Yes you stopped in and made sure they had food, but did you hug them and reassure them you would help them get thru this? Did you move in to make sure they were going to school? NO. Your sons will never forgive you for bailing on them. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you. When they needed you the most in their life you moved South.
I also needed you many, many times over the years. All I ever wanted was for you to realize that you disappointed us and just apologize. Then maybe we could move on become the close family we once were. I mourn the loss of our closeness. You not making it to my wedding renewal ceremony was the final straw. It broke my heart. Do you know that? My heart is so empty without a parent to rely on. Mom was always there, I know. But I can't call her now and tell her about my bad day or call for advice about my cranky 5 yr old or even just talk to her and tell her how much I love her. I have constantly hoped that you would fill that hole. But you never did. You can't even talk on the phone with me for more than 10 minutes. I've tried to explain how this makes me feel and you change the subject and hang up. You are so selfish. You act like you love us, but you only love yourself. You wonder why your sons don't call you? You wonder why your other daughter doesn't call you? Your lucky that I still care enough to keep in touch with you. The sad thing is that you don't even realize how lucky you are to have kids like us. We have struggled watching our mother turn into a shell of herself, we have supported ourselves from very young ages, we have all turned into decent adults that somehow still find joy in our lives. We have learned to rely on each other.
You know what though? I still love you. I just don't know why.

Love Always,

Your First Born