Sunday, October 28, 2007

Loss

This has been a whirlwind weekend. It started Friday morning with a call from my Mom-in-law. You know, that call at the crack of dawn and your thinking "Oh God who died..." Well my husband's Nana had a heart attack on thurs. As of friday morning she was in ICU. By friday night she was back in the OR and they weren't sure what was happening. Saturday morning Mom-in-law comes to our house at 8am and takes Bitterman to PA. By early evening last night the prognosis was not good. Nana had internal bleeding, a blockage in her intestine, and her stomach had stopped functioning along with her kidneys. The whole family has come in from other states and rallied around Nana. Except me. I feel so helpless here in NY. But I can't take my 4 yr old on a 3 hr drive to sit in a hospital for who knows how long. I know that there's nothing I could do, but I would at least have been able to be with the rest of the family and hug them and be emotional support. I've felt terrible about it all day yesterday and I haven't slept well all night. It's now 5:30 in the morning on Sunday and I miss my husband and I know that Nana probably did not make it thru the night. When I talked to Bitterman last night before I went to bed he just sobbed and said that she had maybe 24 hrs to live. It broke my heart. To hear my husband so sad and so vulnerable and I wasn't with him and I was sad to lose his Nana too. Over the years she really has become my Nana. She always remembers my birthday and The Girl's, she's kind, loving, and she took her time every single weekend to clip coupons for me and my sisters in law. I feel this loss like she was my flesh and blood. I just don't know what to do. I'm helpless and sad and my Girl is sad. She knows something is not right within the family. How do I explain to a 4 yr old about death? How do I tell her that she'll never see her Great Nana again? So many things are rattling around in my brain right now. I'm heartbroken and lonely and I wish I knew how to change that.

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