My Fours

Four Things:

Four Places I go:
1.  School. One day or two days a week depending on the week.
2.  To the grocery store.  Every other day it seems!
3. To my brothers house on Fridays.
4. To work. Occasionally. 

Four Smells that I Love:
1. Any baked good (breads, brownies, cakes etc.)
2. Fresh cut grass
3. My husband fresh out of the shower
4. New born baby smell


Four Favorite TV Shows:
1. Bones
2. Lie to Me
3. NCIS
4. The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Conan



Four Favorite Movies:
1. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (I laugh, I cry, I relate)
2. The Princess Bride (something shared with my siblings)
3. The King's Speech (just recently saw it and LOVE, LOVE, LOVED it!)
4. 


Four Recommendations:
1. Pandora for your BB or iphone. I just LOVE this app!! (I know I'm a little behind here)
2. The Eat-Clean Diet by Tosca Reno (has changed my whole thinking on food)
3. Florence and the Machine--I adore them right now
4. --------



I hope at least four of my friends will do this too!

Tired.

Yep. I'm tired. Tired of school. Tired of the dreary, cold, gray upstate NY weather. Tired of my husband buying golf equipment that he's never needed before but now all of sudden just has to have. Tired of having to bow to my MIL's every little whim. Just TIRED. We are going on vacation in 3 weeks and it can't get here fast enough!!!

On a happier note, my BFF's and I are planning a HUGE, CRAZY vacation for all our families. OAHU 2013 planning is in full effect and I couldn't be more excited!! This will be the most fantastic trip ever if we can pull it off and have the planets align and all that jazz. Just the thought of visiting Hawaii makes me happy!

And on other randomness, I picked up a shift to work on Mother's Day. My Bitter Little Man says, "Do you really want to work on Mother's Day?" All I could think is that it would get me out of having to spend time with HIS mother!! How sad is that?!?

Things That Bother Me

1. A pregnant acquaintance of mine had the nerve to sit across from me smoking cigarettes and smoking pot at a bonfire a couple of weeks ago. I voiced my opinion and she says "There's no proof that pot hurts babies."--I just about lost my shit.

2. There's this stupid kid up the road that FLIES up and down the street. I mean there are small kids on bikes, scooters, and people that walk their dogs. SLOW THE FRICK DOWN!!!

3. My sister in law. Usually I love her, but sometimes she just bothers me.

4. My husband when he starts talking tech stuff. Apple this and Apple that. I need this, I need that. Blah, blah, blah. Just drives me crazy.

The End.

Passed

So I passed my med demo and am relieved, but part of me was kind of hoping they wouldn't pass me. Because then I would be released from the program because of them and not because I quit. I don't want to be a quitter, but more and more I'm wondering if I really want to continue down this road to be an RN. My heart just isn't into it. I hate working at the hospital. I really don't like hands on patient care. I am aware now more than ever that a person's life really could be affected by my actions. I'm  beginning to think that maybe I should look into being an LPN or radiologic technician. I like the office setting better than the hospital setting. I also want to be able to be flexible for my daughter's needs. I don't know....maybe I'm just having a nervous breakdown or something.

On other news, I'm sick. I have strep and haven't had strep since I was a kid. I can't even begin to tell you how crappy I feel. I'm hoping I feel well enough to make it to class tomorrow...

Weight Lifted?

So the weight of the world was not necessarily on my shoulders as I thought it was last post. I did my demo and did not do spectacularly, but they did give another chance to do better this Monday coming up. So I will try again and this time I will go in confident and know that whatever happens is meant to be. This little hiccup in my nursing existence has really got me thinking over the past 2 weeks though. I've been wondering if maybe those 2 mistakes in one time period were a sign of sorts that maybe nursing isn't for me. Maybe I was so upset about it because deep down I know that there are more things I dislike, than like about my future career. I know that I don't want to work in a nursing home, a hospital, or on a pediatric floor. I do like psychiatric nursing, but I'm a long way from being able to do that. Whatever the case may be. I'm more at peace with the whole situation and I'm ready to move on if that is what is meant to be. Now if only I didn't have to pay back the school loans....

Weight of the World

I've really had a rough week. It began last Thursday when I was at clinical. I made the BIGGEST error a nursing student can make. I passed meds to the wrong patient. Let preface that by saying that all day before that I was just off. My head wasn't in the game so to speak. I went in, asked the patient his/her name and they nodded yes. So I proceeded. My training has taught me to double check things like this if I'm not sure but I went ahead anyway. Long story short, I gave the meds, it was the wrong person, I got a big huge write up by my instructor, and now my whole future nursing career hinges on whether I can pass a demo on Monday morning. Now don't get me wrong. I made a mistake and should completely be held accountable for it. But I think the nursing powers that be at my school should look at each case individually, which they do not. The meds I gave were not life threatening, it was my first offense, and I've had nothing but high remarks for my performance in the past. Not to mention that I could have just kept my mouth shut about the whole damn thing and just given meds to correct person and never said boo about it. I am a honest person and the weight of not telling would have been worse for me. But no, come Monday at noon I will have to go before the main instructor of the nursing lab and prove that I am capable. One mistake and I can't pass meds which means I can't complete clinical, which means I am out of the nursing program. The weight of this is nearly unbearable. I am so worried that because of one mistake, the last 3 yrs of my life are going to mean nothing. The money spent, the time away from my daughter and husband, all of it will be for nothing.

Beliefs

I had the weirdest thing happen the other day...a long time friend of mine emailed me on FB to ask me if I was raised Mormon. Totally took me by surprise. I stopped really practicing the Mormon religion when I was about 15 or so. That whole teenage angst thing mixed with a bipolar, out of work-off her meds, mother and two brothers that were more interested in getting high and spitting on me kind of threw a kink in my belief system. I lost my faith in just about everything and everyone during those years. Now that I'm an adult with a child, I toss around the idea of going back to the church. There's a lot of really great things about the Mormon religion--the sense of community and charity is overwhelming. But there are a lot of things about the religion that, at this point in my life, I just don't buy in to. For instance, some of the ideas about not drinking, smoking, cursing, drinking caffeine and so on just don't sit well with me. I honestly don't believe that God will send me to eternal damnation for drinking a beer or a soda. I also don't really like how it is a male dominant religion. Women don't really hold any positions of power with in the church. That all being said, I still feel as though I'm not really comfortable in a church unless it's a Mormon church. I've been to many other churches with my friends and in laws and have never totally felt that feeling. The feeling of something true and good. The feeling that the people are genuine. I guess that's part of the reason I left the Mormon church...I stopped feeling that feeling. That still small voice was gone. I struggle with this a lot. I want to believe in something again...I just don't know how.