Loss

This has been a whirlwind weekend. It started Friday morning with a call from my Mom-in-law. You know, that call at the crack of dawn and your thinking "Oh God who died..." Well my husband's Nana had a heart attack on thurs. As of friday morning she was in ICU. By friday night she was back in the OR and they weren't sure what was happening. Saturday morning Mom-in-law comes to our house at 8am and takes Bitterman to PA. By early evening last night the prognosis was not good. Nana had internal bleeding, a blockage in her intestine, and her stomach had stopped functioning along with her kidneys. The whole family has come in from other states and rallied around Nana. Except me. I feel so helpless here in NY. But I can't take my 4 yr old on a 3 hr drive to sit in a hospital for who knows how long. I know that there's nothing I could do, but I would at least have been able to be with the rest of the family and hug them and be emotional support. I've felt terrible about it all day yesterday and I haven't slept well all night. It's now 5:30 in the morning on Sunday and I miss my husband and I know that Nana probably did not make it thru the night. When I talked to Bitterman last night before I went to bed he just sobbed and said that she had maybe 24 hrs to live. It broke my heart. To hear my husband so sad and so vulnerable and I wasn't with him and I was sad to lose his Nana too. Over the years she really has become my Nana. She always remembers my birthday and The Girl's, she's kind, loving, and she took her time every single weekend to clip coupons for me and my sisters in law. I feel this loss like she was my flesh and blood. I just don't know what to do. I'm helpless and sad and my Girl is sad. She knows something is not right within the family. How do I explain to a 4 yr old about death? How do I tell her that she'll never see her Great Nana again? So many things are rattling around in my brain right now. I'm heartbroken and lonely and I wish I knew how to change that.

WW weekly weigh in

Sorry I'm a day late on this, but I just was busy.... So drum roll please......I lost another whole pound. Which I was mistaken when I last checked in about my weight. I have lost a total of 8 lbs in 12 wks. So it's not terrible. This cutting back my points thing has really helped and I have found that on my cable channels there is this OnDemand network that you can go to. This is has a Exercise OnDemand feature. So anytime morning, noon, or night I can find a yoga workout to do, or a The Firm workout, or just an ab session. It's really great! So if any you out there in Xanga land have Time Warner Cable check it out. There is also FitTv on, but it's much easier to go to Exercise OnDemand.
School is still going well. I did my first presentation the other night and overall I think our group did a pretty good job. The only issue was this girl that was 19 in our group. She really didn't have a clue about anything much less our project. So hopefully that didn't effect our grade. I tried at the end to kind of go over the stuff that she was going to cover, but didn't. I hope it pulled everything together for the class to understand better. I also handed in my first paper that I will hopefully be getting back on Friday. My teacher said that out of the ones he's read so far, they are all A's. So that's keeping me hopeful. Well I need to go do wife things now. Ya know cooking, cleaning, bathing the kid, and all that jazz.

Quickie

I don't know if I put it out here or not, but last week I lost a whole pound. So officially I am down 6 lbs in 12 weeks. Not exactly what I was expecting when I started WW, but I am losing so that's good. I cut back my points and have been trying to really gauge my body. I find I feel satisfied on a lot less than I usually take in. So I've been overeating and not really knowing. That's the stinkin problem with not having a thyroid. My doctor told me that my body wouldn't send the message to my brain that I'm getting full until it was way to late. I'm hoping that this cut in my points and really paying attention to how I feel when I'm eating will help. Hopefully tomorrow's weigh-in will be better. I'll keep ya'll posted.

Random thoughts...

OK so every now and then I get the privilege of ending up in my car alone. No child screaming about her "car songs" or a husband telling me that we need to stop here, here, and here. I just get to drive on a sunny day with MY music blaring, windows cracked and sunroof open and singing at the top of my lungs. This was the case on Sat. morning. Thank you Lord, powers that be, Buddha, or whoever. To be honest this is absolutely my most favorite thing in the world to do. I love driving and singing and just letting my mind wander while I take the back, country roads to get wherever it is I'm trying to go. I love long, winding roads, and the beautiful colors changing in the trees. I can't even tell you how wonderful upstate NY is in the fall. The air smells fresh, the sun is bright, and the sky is this magnificent blue. Anyway, while I was out by myself experiencing all of NY's slender, my mind wandered. I was thinking about the songs I was listening to and that music is such an important part of my life. Then I began to think about what songs would be the soundtrack of my life. I've got a bunch, that if ever my life was made into a movie or something, would be the perfect soundtrack. From birth to say, age 12, it would have to be Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. Growing, learning, but in the dark about so many things, powerful, yet weak. That's how that song makes me feel. From 12 yr old to about 17, it would have to be a combination of Prince--Little Red Corvette, Madonna-Papa Don't Preach , Skid Row-18 and Life, Grateful Dead -Sugar Magnolia, Truckin, The Doors--any song at all, Poison-Every Rose Has It's Thorn, Motley Crue -Without You, Dr Feelgood, and any music from Les Miserables or Phantom of the Opera. During my teen years. I was so torn as to what I wanted to be, who I was, where I was going, and how in the world would I ever amount to what my parents wanted me to amount to. So many of these songs spoke to my heart during those years. After age 17 I kind of downward spiraled. My mom went nuts and so did I. I moved out and dyed my hair purple with some blue in it and tore all my clothes. Nirvana--Smells Like Teen Spirit was my anthem along with any Pearly Jam song. I drank, got high, slept with way to many not so nice guys. This lasted until I was about 20. Then a whole new me came out. The feminine, strong me. The I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR me. Sarah Mclaughlan, Tori Amos, Alaniss Morrisette, Bjork, Cranberries all became my heros. If it wasn't for Tori Amos Little Earthquakes album I would never have found the relationship I now have with my sister. To this day I still listen to Tori, Sarah and the lot, and just feel totally empowered. As for now, my music tastes have evolved. At least I hope so. I really love rock. Indie rock, hard rock, or whatever you want to call all the different genres. Blue October, Jack Johnson, Paolo Nutini, all touch my soul these days. Along with Yellowcard and Plain White T's. Oh my God, if you want to cry just listen to Yellowcard's Dear Bobbie and try not to cry. What a great song.....Well anywho, I totally have gone off here. You now know or at least have an idea about the soundtrack of my life. See what a couple hours of free time in my car can produce.....peace, love, and good music to you all!

End of Summer

So the end of summer is here. At least it's supposed to be, but we have had some BEAUTIFUL weather the last few days and I love it! The cool mornings and warm afternoons are about more than I can handle. How can anyone not be in a good mood on days like this? Well I'm going to put some pics up in this post by way of a slideshow. I haven't posted any in a while and thru the pics you'll get a brief idea about our summer. It's basically been all about The Girl. Doing fun things with her and for her.

Ok to sum up, these are the beach pictures. We camped and biked and played at the beach and it was a blast. The pic of her and all the boys was while we were crabbing one night. She hung out with the boys the entire time. It was a fabulous trip as I may have mentioned in a previous post. Honestly I just don't remember....

She also started preschool which I may or may not have mentioned. She's kinda loving it. The teachers are really strict and she hates authority, so they don't mesh well. But the kids love her and she loves them. So I guess that's gonna have to be good enough. Today we went on our first field trip to the Pumpkin Farm. It was a lot of fun both for the Girl and Me. It was about 80 degrees and sunny which made it that much better. A lot of the activities I haven't done since I was a kid. Like being able to pick your own apple and go on a hay ride. I mean really how great is that??! Then they gave us cider and donuts and we got to play! It was so much fun to see all the parents acting like the kids and having fun. I finally got to talk to a couple of the "soccer moms" hopefully at some point before the school year is over they will accept me into their circle of power. LOL! Well I guess I don't really need to be welcomed into the circle, I will form my own circle if need be. Well that's about it for now...... I'll get some pics up ASAP!

Weekly update

So I'll get to the news right off the bat. I gained a 1/2lb. That's .5 lb..... I guess considering I didn't journal hardly at all this last week and the fact that I have eaten prolly 15 cupcakes between Sat. and today, a 1/2 lb isn't that bad. I got on the scale today and totally expected a 2 lb gain. My goal for this week is to lose 3 lbs. I know that sounds a little high, but I think I can do it. I've started doing my Namaste Yoga again and I have continued walking with Amy. This sunday we are doing the Breast Cancer Walk. It's 3 miles. No biggy. That's what Amy and I have been walking, but I'm hoping by doing charitable walks I will be able to work up to maybe a run one of these days. I still am loving the WW program. The meetings are totally inspiring and motivational. I can't tell you how amazed I am every week by these women and men that are losing 10, 20, 30 lbs. Alot of these people are a lot older than me too. I figure if they can do it, so can I. There is this older couple probably in their 60s that just started maybe 2 weeks ago and they both have lost about 15 lbs in 2 weeks. Can you believe that??? They said they are following the plan to the letter and just supporting each other and walking. I just think it's GREAT. Stories like that make me want to work that much harder. So that's what I'm going to do! This week I am going to try even harder. Hopefully I have good news to report next week!

On school news, I am starting to feel the effects of being home during the day with The Girl. I have a TON of reading to do with 2 of my classes. My Humanities class has us reading 50-200 page critiques every 2 weeks and writing 5 pg essays on them, and my Sociology class has us reading up on social problems and also writing essays. I'm finding it very difficult to keep up with my regular class reading and all these project readings. The Girl does not give me a second to myself during the day except when she naps. For that 1-2 hrs I usually am cleaning, working out, getting dinner stuff together, reading, working on my math, or whatever. It never seems to be enough time to actually get any real reading done. So I've kind of been in panic mode the last few days. I'm trying not to freak out, but it's hard. I really need A's this semester so I can apply for the nursing program in March. OY!!! Ok well now that I got that off my chest I feel a little bit better.

The Girl and Bitterman are both doing well. It seems that I only write about school and WW these days. Bitterman is back to work finally and I can't wait til Fri. when we have a regular paycheck again! He's been trying to take it easy, but he comes home and is sooo sore, so I know he's not taking it easy. I really wish he would just stop with the family business. I mean he is a college educated man with a great work ethic. He should be able to go out and do anything. We are still waiting on the U.S. Marshals. The gov't is the slowest machine. I swear. He's also started looking at maybe going back to school. The VA will pay for school completely. I think he should do that. We'll find a way to make it all work. I just wish we could wash our hands of the business. His parents, well his Dad, has basically told him that he doesn't think Bitterman can handle the business because of his lack of faith in God. Which is so not true. Bitterman has faith he just doesn't chose to display it like his Dad does. So why keep it going? Because my inlaws just bought a $120,000 RV so that they can take the quadruplets on ATV trips! My mother in law has told them that they can never retire or give up the business. No pressure...Bitterman feels like if he walks away from the business then he is letting them down and that they will be in debt over their heads. I keep telling him that it's not HIS fault THEY bought the damned thing. ARGHHHH! I just wish he would change jobs and maybe we could move. Not far away, but away from the inlaws. Wow that totally turned into a rant....sorry about that. Well that's about as much and I can do for today. I love blogging, it's so therapeutic.....

2.5 lbs GONE!

I've started going to the tues. morning WW class, just in case ya'll didn't know or missed that somewhere along the line. I find it's a better fit for me because I can't cheat thru the weekend like with the thurs. class and still have 4 days to get back on track. I have to be good all weekend knowing that tues. will be my weigh in. I am happy to report that as of today I have lost a total of 5.5 lbs. (2.5 lost this last week). So for any of you out there keeping track that is 5.5 lb over 7 weeks. Not to shabby. I also got my 5 lb gold star today. Woohoo!!! I can't even begin to tell ya'll how psyched I am. I literally almost cried after class today. I swear I felt like I was on Biggest Loser or something. LOL! I know, I'm such a dork...
On school stuff, I finally met my sociology teacher. He's very intense and liberal and he moves very quickly thru topics. Which is all well and good, I guess. I found the class very interesting and I hope to do well in it. I really hope that I can keep my big mouth shut though on some of the topics so I don't get my butt kicked after class. He brought up just about every hot topic out there. Abortion, the War in Iraq, taxes, welfare, Mexicans, etc. I think this class will show me just how liberal or conservative I really am. Tonight I had my first math exam. I think I did ok....but my teacher threw in some crazy questions. I'll let you know how I did next week! Well I'm pooped so I'm gonna sign off!
Oh btw, I ran today. Not far, but enough to get me feeling pumped. I haven't gone running in like 10 yrs. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy was I breathing heavy!