Worst Hair Ever

Mrs. G over at the Women's Colony has requested pics of our worst hairdos. I think my absolute worst hair ever was when I was 14 or 15. I got a perm. A really bad perm that left me with a poodle like poof of hair on my head! This pic is from one of our crazy nights out at the roller rink. Yeah...I was cool, I know. That's me in the orange t-shirt and red glasses...I never got a perm again after I got these pics developed.

Friday Fill-Ins on a Wednesday Night

I'm doing this because I am bored at the moment and because my friend, Rebel , suggested that some of her readers get doing these fill in thingys. Sooooo here it goes!

1. The last thing I ate was chili and fries.

2. _Movie Tickets to Harry Potter is something I recently bought.

3. When it rains, it __frickin pours round these parts.___

4. __My child_ was the first person I talked to today.

5. Hugs are _always welcome and warm____.

6. ___I need__ extra comfort.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to _a whole lot of nothing____, tomorrow my plans include _spending way to much time with my in-laws____ and Sunday, I want to __recover from spending so much time with my in laws!

I Have a Need.....To Vent!

I have been completely annoyed lately. Like with everyone. I'm wondering if it's because I changed birth control pills. I only get a visit from Aunt Flow every 3 months now, but I'm wondering if the PMSing is still kicking hard core or if I'm legitimately annoyed and have a right to be. Not just hormones talking, ya know. For example, my husband took this whole past weekend off. He did so for me. I was feeling needy for some time out with friends with out him or my kid. At the last minute though all of my friends that I had plans on hanging with Friday night got flushed right down the drain. Four of these said friends decided to go camping for the weekend and literally hours before they were leaving invited me to go....knowing full well that I had plans on Sat. that I really couldn't back out of. Though one of them did text me for like an hour trying to convince me to ditch my other committment. Is it just me or is that just an assholey thing to do?? So first annoyance. Then my husband knowing I was disappointed and annoyed by this asks me what my plans are for the weekend. I said I don't know, everyone went out of town. My BFF had an urgent trip to NYC because of one of her parents being ill so of my 5 or 6 good friends that I like to hang with none of them were available for the weekend. Annoyance number two. Add to these things the little annoyances caused by being in a house with my husband and daughter for the whole weekend when all I wanted to do was get away from them for a little bit and little annoyances became BIG annoyances. Over the last week my husband has worked 3 of 7 days. Do you think HE got up with our daughter on any of his days off??? NO. He did not. Not once did I get to sleep in. But that's ok....I should be used to it, right? Then I do the laundry, mow the lawn, feed the kid, entertain the kid, and clean up a little and he does nothing. He sleeps. BIG ANNOYANCE! So here I am on Monday completely frickin annoyed by just about everything and no real way to vent it. Husband is gone, BFF is at an appt, other friends are working, and I'm still here stuck in the house with the kid. I don't remember signing up for this crap?!!!!

Foggy

I really need to work on being more consistant with this blog thing....I know there's only like 2 people that read it, but it's nice to put all this stuff that's rattling around in my head out there.

I'm feeling kinda foggy this morning...classes are done (thank God!), my kid's playing next door, and my husband is sleeping after a long night protecting and serving our little city. I should be motivated and work out or clean my house, but I'm not. I've been realizing a lot of stuff about my marriage and myself lately. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. Ever since I started therapy I've been reevaluating everything. I've been wondering if I married my husband because at the time he rescued me from a bad situation with my Mom and home life in general. I keep thinking that I married my best friend, but that's it. Just a friend...no passion, no communication anymore, no anything...just a really great friendship. We both come and go as we please....he's working on his career and I'm working on mine and we come together in the middle somewhere to take care of our daughter and eat dinner. I just feel empty, depressed, trapped, sad, lonely...how do make your spouse realize that communications have broken down and that it needs to be worked on? 

On the other side of things I've been doing really well with managing my weight. I'm below 200lbs for the first time in 6 yrs!!! It feels great and I'm motivated more than ever to keep this momentum going. My dietitian and I were almost in tears this past week when I weighed in!! Such a GREAT feeling to finally be accomplishing something!

Stuff In My Head

Lately I have had a lot of things jiggling around in this head of mine. It's been a very stressful couple of months. Ok. It's been like 8 months. Between our septic shitting the bed, my daughters dental bills being well over $4000 and my husband refinancing our mortgage (which was not a great deal at all!!) we have been completely strapped for cash. Like to the point where I'm trying to remember how my mother cooked, scrimped, and baked from scratch so I can save some money. It really is wearing on my nerves. It brings back such hard memories of struggling in my youth and being the poor kid at school. Every year I wore hand me downs or clothes from Kmart while all the other kids were shopping at the Gap, JCPenney or some other store IN THE MALL! Kids really do pick up on that stuff and man are they mean. So I've been really on edge because of all this stuff. 

Fast forward to Mother's Day...I told my husband I didn't want anything because I know cash is tight. We had a family dinner out with his parents at Red Lobster. Our bill came to around $60. I was grateful to be out with everyone, but now we have no money for the next week and a half until he gets paid. On top of that, when we got home, later that evening he decides he wants to bake his mother a cake. Her birthday is on mother's day. I'm not mad because he wanted to bake her a cake. BUT he didn't even think to bake me a cake for Mother's Day or clean the house or leave me a little love note or anything! NOTHING! Just a hug in the morning! I mean what the hell?? Am I crazy to be a little miffed because we did all this stuff for his mom but I can't even get a simple breakfast made or little homemade note? It kind of pushed me over the edge! I didn't say anything about it. I went on with my day and I cleaned like a crazy person and mopped my floors. But I'm still kind of hurt....we've been together 12 yrs. Shouldn't he know by now to do something or anything to remind me why he loves me? 

Then when I was completely brooding and decided to ignore him and the kid I locked myself away and got online. I got the MOST wonderful gift ever! My ex boyfriend from when I was like 16 found me online. My heart raced and instantly  I was smiling. He was the best boyfriend ever and was there for me through some VERY hard family times. He also is the only person other than my family that remembers my mom before she got ill and lost her grip on reality. I have weighed every single man against the example he set all those years ago. Even my husband now. I married my Bitter Little Man because he was the closest contender to my first love. Now I just want to make it clear that I'm not in love with him anymore, but I do love him. I will always have a soft spot for him. These last couple of days talking to him online have made me happier than I've been in months!!! He gets me. Like really gets me. We lost touch because of my 18 yr old rebellious phase and his wanting to get the hell out of dodge. He moved to Maine and I stayed here. Then I got married and moved away. It's been 13 yrs since I saw him last. 13 yrs! And now he's back! I told Bitterman about him and I have been completely open about it. I hope my husband can understand what a friend I had is this man. That he shaped who I have become is so many ways......sometimes I wish I was just free. Free to come and go as I please, free to not be married anymore, free to just do what I want to do....sometimes.

  

Stress

I am stressed. I have NO money. Like seriously none. Our septic tank caved in. And soon I will probably be crapping in the woods. Not to mention being a full time student, mom, wife, friend and all that other jazz where your supposed to put on a happy face and claim that life is GREAT! Life is NOT great right now. I have stress and all I want to do is eat a plate of brownies dipped in a vat of ice cream.

Learning

I'm learning through all this therapy and stuff that I am a doormat. That my whole life I have let people use me, walk all over me, rely on me to help them and never once have I really asked for anything in return. I have become accustomed to being a "mom" to anyone that needs one. Advice? I'll give it. Shoulder to cry on? I'll give it. Need your mail picked up? I'll get it. Need a ride? I'll come get ya. Some of these aren't really bad but they lead to bad things if you never get them in return. I'm learning that this is my Dad's fault. I'm learning that my BFF has the depth of a rock. Which is really starting to annoy me. I'm learning that I really want people in my life that are weak and depressed to stand up for themselves, get help, and frickin get over it all ready. We ALL have struggles. If your not gonna help yourself then I can only do so much. My attitude, that I also got from my father, is actually starting to pay off in some positive ways. I'm learning that I can be a force to be wreckoned with. And lastly I'm learning that I matter. My wants and needs matter. And that it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes.