I have guilt

I have boatloads of guilt. I'm not kidding. Here it is 4:10am and I am up thinking about my mom. Bring on the guilt. I couldn't sleep because of whatever reason and after being here for an hour it has come back to my mom. Here's the brief history of my Mom. She was/is a great mom. She is Mormon and she was absolutely the strongest, kindest, most considerate, loving person I have ever met. Any of you watch Big Love? She's kind of a nice mix of Margene and Barb. Well around '94 or so she kind of started going off the deep end. I'm talking bipolar/manic depression deep end. Of course, at the time I was only about 18 yrs old and honestly was oblivious to anyone and anything that wasn't about me. Terrible huh? Well long story short, I treated my Mom like shit. I didn't understand that she needed help or that she was even sick in any way. I was this stupid, self absorbed teenager that just wanted to party and be with my boyfriend, etc. I had given up the Mormon way of life a couple yrs prior to this. Just lost my faith I guess. Anyway, she continually got worse. To the point where we lost our house, moved from apt to apt depending on what crazy thing she did to get us kicked out or what terrible thing my younger brothers did to get us kicked out (think killing the building owner's cat kind of stuff). We were on food stamps, medicaid, welfare, the whole nine. I just was so embarrassed and mad that she couldn't get it together. So I left. Left her and my sis and my brothers to try and figure this out on their own. My sis ended up moving out too so she could try and finish high school and get herself into college. It was probably the best choice she ever made. That left my Mom with 2 boys that desperately needed a father (my dad is a whole other story). By this point my brothers had started smoking weed, drinking and what not and they were completely uncontrollable. They were probably around ages 15 and 13. One day I get a call that Mom is in the hospital. She was admitted to the psych ward of our local hospital. So here I am trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. So I leave again. My poor brothers were left with my part time father to try and make ends meet. See where the guilt comes from. I never stood up and took responsibility for family. Now 13 yrs later, my Mom is living in a group home, she has dementia (which I just found out), she has no money, the people that take care of her do just the minimum that they have to do by law, she can't talk, she barely can walk, she's had about 5 strokes and will never be the Mom I knew and loved. She is a shell. Her eyes have no light in them anymore. I haven't seen my Mom since Christmas. Why? Because it kills me to look at her once beautiful face and see nothing. She's just a blank stare most of the time. Sometimes she's there and smiles and laughs like she used to. I think that's even worse. I am a terrible daughter. I feel like I totally let her down when she really needed me. And now there is no way I can ever make it up to her. She will pass away some day and I will be relieved that she doesn't have to live this way anymore and that maybe my guilt will go with her passing.....

just blah

Ok so things are better here on the home front. Bitterman and I are back to normal and he has gotten over his little temper tantrum from the other day. Today we went to car show with his parents. Sometimes I think my Mom in law is completely oblivious to just about everything in the world. Like it's been 2 weeks since the accident and she asks him if he is ready to go back to work. Ummmm, he still can barely bend over to tie his shoes, I don't think he's going to be doing steel construction any time soon. Then she starts talking about little trips we could take to waste some time. Like driving 3 hrs to Nana's house so we can swim in her heated pool. Again, I don't think sitting in a car for 3 hrs would be a fun time for Bitterman. Not to mention we haven't had a paycheck in 2 weeks and the amount that unemployment gives is about half of what he usually brings home in a week, and we have a wedding to go next weekend that is 3 hrs away and the tux and the hotel room are almost $500 and we still haven't got a gift yet. I mean does she not GET this???? It just floors me. She also asked him when he thought he would get back on the 4 wheeler??!!! I think if she had actually seen the accident like I did, she would have a whole different outlook. Like I really would be ok never getting on one again now that I've seen first hand how dangerous and scary they can be, but I know inevitably I will get on one again. She just drives me bananas lately. But I love her and she is a good Mom. Just a little off....

Arghhhh!!!!

What the hell is wrong with men? Can anyone out there answer that? After 10 yrs of dating/marriage my usually wonderful husband decided that it was OK to put his finger in my face and tell me that he's sick of my fucking mouth. EXCUSE ME!!!!??? Ladies, I just about lost my shit. I don't know what in the world made him think that was an OK move to make! So, of course, I flipped and thought to myself, he hadn't heard anything from my mouth yet. I yelled at him a little bit and then shut up. I didn't talk to him all night. I didn't talk to him this morning. He finally apologized just now for being "mean" as he sees it. I said to him that no matter whether I was yelling at him or not ( which I wasn't to begin with, I was yelling at our daughter who was being very naughty) that I did not deserve to be treated that way. I also told him that if it ever happens again I am walking out with the Girl and he won't know where the hell I went or for how long. I mean when your in a relationship you just don't do that. Now I know he's been cooped up in the house for the last 2 weeks with me and The Girl because of the accident, I know he's bummed about not being able to work, I know that just sitting around drives him crazy, but I have tried very hard for the last 2 weeks to make him comfortable, get him out of the house, keep the Girl happy so she didn't cry or get upset to grate on his nerves, on top of doing all the laundry, mowing the lawn, doing all the dishes, making dinner, doing all the shopping, getting the Girl up and ready and putting her to bed at night. All without his help. Honestly, I am glad to do these things because I know he's in pain, but come on! Usually he is very helpful around the house and cooks dinner and does dishes. Maybe he's just mad because he can't help me? Ha! Well anywho, all I know is that this better not ever happen again or I will be forced to bring out the Bitch in me!

WTF???

Can I just ask what the hell is the big deal about Rosie's kid??? Yeah I saw the pics and the video and whatever. I just don't get why it is such a big deal. Has no parent out there ever let their child play dress up??? My daughter changes her "outfits" and costumes more times in a day than I can count. Was it staged? Has that been proven yet? I really want to know. I mean if it was staged by Rosie to make some sort of statement, then that does put a different spin on things, but if it really was just innocent dressing up, WTF? Ya know my husband was/is Marine. I am so proud of him for serving our country. There are so many men and women home and overseas that are laying down their lives, it just seems like that should be more important. Maybe I am way off base here. I don't know. I just get so SICK of celebrities making headlines over stupid shit! I love the famous and beautiful people out there that DO great things with their money and power as it be. Like Angelina, Sandra Bullock, Rosie, Julia Roberts, and numerous others that do it without ever taking credit. All the stupid crotch slips, nipple slips, drunk night outs, and whatever else is just crap. I know it's a business, but come on.... Oh shit, well I guess I kinda got on a soapbox there for a moment. Sorry about that. I don't know why that wild hare just ran up my butt, but I think it's gone now.

It's official

It's official I have one whole person that read my blog! It happens to be Greentshirt. Just love her! So I guess now that she's checking in on me I better start trying to make this kind of interesting. I could wow ya'll out there with the super duper story of my 3 yr old puking all night last night. Well maybe that's not a good way to start. I guess I'll start by officially giving a little history of myself.

I'm 31 yrs old (big gulp). I know that's not old but God it sure feels like it these last couple of days. I am a wife and mother. My husband is affectionately known as Bitter Little Man and my daughter is simply The Girl. They both keep me running and sometimes cursing and sometimes crying. I guess that's normal. I am a full time college student. This is my second or third attempt at getting a real education. I think I have finally found my niche though. I have started taking nursing classes at the community college here in town and so far I really like it. And considering that I am constantly nursing The Girl and Bitterman I should be an old pro. My husband is the most accident prone individual on the planet. No joke! I can't tell you the amount of times he's come home from work (he does steel construction) and half a pant leg is gone from his jeans because he caught himself on fire while welding or something. Or the amount of times he's come home and said "Hon, can you rinse my eyes out for me? I have metal shavings in them again." Or my favorite is his mangled hands that are constantly bleeding, red, swollen, bruised. He likes grossing me out I think. Like with flaps of skin dangling from his finger or whatever. Yuck! Sorry about the graphics, but that literally is what I deal with on a daily basis. I have a little break from it now because a week ago he and my daughter wrecked the 4 wheeler they were on and he now has a fractured back. See what I mean??? They both are healing quickly though so it won't be long before I am grossed out again. What else can I tell you about me??? I am the oldest of 4 kids. We grew up Mormon (big shreik). I sometimes wonder how my parents ever did that religion for as long as they did. My father still goes every Sunday, but the rest of us have fallen away from the flock so to speak. I kind of believe in something, not sure what, but I think that if I am a good person and try to be good to the people in my life then I'll be ok and arrive at the "pearly gates" or wherever. I love going out and getting silly drunk with my girlfriends on Friday night. It's the one thing that keeps me sane. I'm addicted to Jack n Coke. I'm your whiskey girl. Or a good Cosmo or Mojito, or a beer. Well obviously I'm not that picky. I am not a raging alcoholic even though it kind of sounds that way. I desperately want to travel and explore this world we live in. With a 3 yr old this becomes a little difficult, but I'm trying.

About my bros and sis. Well I have 2 bros. we'll call them Jay and Silent Bob. Jay's the youngest of the bunch and he is cocky, self absorbed, mean sometimes, but hard working and seems to have become a good father (I'm not sure how). Silent Bob is quiet, very hard working, sensitive to a fault, though you wouldn't know by looking at him, and is trying very hard to be a good, single parent (his babymama is a complete crack whore!). My sis, we'll call her Bea, is a very intellectual, creative, artsy fartsy, organic, California living, drug counseling beautiful person. I love her and look up to her and admire her. She is such a unique person. So that's the short version of my family and me. I'm sure I will be able to fill pages with stories of the stuff my bros do and the accidents my Bitterman gets into. So for now, I'm out!

I really am trying

Ok so I really am going to try and give this blog site a fighting chance. I have it, I might as well use it right? Of course, currently I am the only one checking it out on a remotely regular basis. Hmmm. I need to work on that. I have a couple of friends on Blogspot and I am totally addicted to their mad ramblings for instance GreenT always gives me a good laugh or makes me think deep for a moment. I also love Pink is the New Blog! (thanks to GreenT) and I happen to love International Kung Fu Corporation ( the weekly update of my friends miracle baby). So how do I go about making this blog interesting enough for people to want to check it out? I could try and make it all flashy and what not. Or I could name drop famous people like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (who I love btw) so that when they google it it might pop up my blog. I just don't really know how these things work or what I feel like I want to put into it! So for now it's here and I am trying. Maybe I will send out mass emails to my friends and MAKE them check it out!

ok so i'm not good at this

So, I started this blog site way back in March or something and I have just remembered that I have it. I also did not remember my password or sign on or anything so I kinda had to start from scratch. DUH! Anywho, just got a little something to put out there for whatever reason. If you take your car in to get fixed and say the original problem you took it in for was not fixed, wouldn't you say that maybe they shouldn't charge you since you paid for it the first time and it didn't get fixed? Just wonderin.... Cuz this did happen to me and I brought up the point that maybe since they didn't fix it the first time that maybe they shouldn't charge me this time around. Well my wonderful hubby tried to explain to me that mechanics don't work that way. But good customer service would have just not charged us without me having to say anything. Right? Am I completely off here? Well now that $1100 has been spent I hope that my car is actually fixed, because if it's not there will be HELL to pay! K, I'm done for now....